A week from today, if the McCain-Palin ticket manages an unexpected, mavericky victory and clinches the presidency, low-rent bloggers, editorial cartoonists, and Hustler will all silently rejoice. Sarah Palin has been a Wasilla-Assembly-of-God-send for Web traffic numbers (Exhibits A and B) since her sudden Sept. nomination as McCain’s veep. News of Hustler‘s Palin spoof porn alone has sent thousands of clicks to this modest local outfit. To those googling for “sarah palin adult film,” “palin porn preview,” and “adult film stars palin look-a-like“: I salute you!

If Palin doesn’t push her running mate over the edge by Election Day, it’s going to be a real ratings suck for Internet publications across the blogosphere. What new trend could possibly replace Palin? Here are five suggestions, based on this blog’s other top google hits. Integrate these lessons into your Web copy, and it’s smooth sailin’ until 2012.

5. Lindsay Lohan. Ever since Lindsay Lohan went gay, she’s been even more like Web traffic honey: sweet and sticky. Work Lindsay + Lohan + gay into your blog posts, sprinkle on a coating of Samantha + Ronson, and let the admirers, the haters, and the perverts roll in.

4. Breast cake. This is the gift that keeps on giving. Sure, it helps to get your messed-up Breast Cancer Awareness Cake linked to by the estimable Cake Wrecks. But it’s not just survivors and strange cake enthusiasts googling this search term. I’m not sure what most folks are looking for when they google “breast cake,” but google they do, and hit-hungry bloggers would do good to reign them in.

3. Drinking Game. Sure, we might not need this as much if Palin isn’t destined for One Observatory Circle. But if not Sarah Palin, somebody has to screw up our lives. It might as well be us.

2. Live Blog. An obsessive refresher’s wet dream. After the election, intrepid bloggers will have to find other wonkish events about which to provide up-to-the-minute inane commentary. Congress? Sigh.

1. Farting women. Trust me on this one.