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I just can’t stop! I’ve got the madness! Let’s sew up this bracket right now! FBI, CIA: Show me your men!

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION: My, how the tables have turned. Look who’s on the other end of the interrogation table now, FBI! Do you have women working inside your workplace? We have ways of making you talk. Cue the Rage Against the Machine! Fire up the waterboard!—-What’s that you say? You publicly post your org chart on the Internet? My bad:

Director Robert S. Mueller, III (Male, 10 points)
Deputy Director John S. Pistole(Male, 9 points)
Associate Deputy Director Timothy P. Murphy(Male, 8 points)Chief of Staff Lisa Monaco (Female, ZERO)Senior Counsel to the Director W. Lee Rawls (Male, 6 points)Special Counsel to the Director John Carlin(Male, 5 points)
National Security Branch EAD Arthur M. Cummings II(Male, 4 points)
Criminal, Cyber, Response, and Services EAD J. Stephen Tidwell(Male, 3 points)
Human Resources Branch EAD Donald E. Packham(Male, 2 points)
Science and Technology Branch EAD Louis E. Grever(Male, 1 points)

Cleared of all charges! With 48 points of a possible 55, the FBI soars above mere manishness to achieve near manfection. Token female Lisa Monaco notwithstanding, the FBI proves it’s got the gravitas to be a real contender in this race.


CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE AGENCY: I spy, with my little eye, something feminine . . .

Director Michael V. Hayden (Male, 10 points)
Deputy Director Stephen R. Kappes (Male, 9 points)
Associate Deputy Director Scott White (Male, 8 points)
Director of Intelligence Michael J. Morell (Male, 7 points)
Nat’l Clandestine Service Dir. Michael Sulick (Male, 6 points)
Science & Tech Dir. Stephanie L. O’Sullivan (Female, ZERO)
Director of Support “Under Cover” (Unknown, ZERO)
Center for Study of Intelligence Dir. Carmen A. Medina (Female, ZERO)
General Counsel John A. Rizzo (Male, 2 points)
Public Affairs Dir. Mark Mansfield (Male, 1 points)

Oh, “Under Cover,” if only you made your gender public, perhaps you could have lifted your agency above its lowly station of simple “manliness” to true “very manliness.” With just 43 out of 55 points on the manly index, a 78 percent manliness is hardly enough to register an international incident.

Photo by Matti Matilla.