We here at the City Paper love Sarah Masterson. A couple weeks ago, I interviewed the DC BABY author and prolific kid blogger about her mommy issues and my fear of children. Well, Masterson was such a delightful interviewee that The Sexist asked her to check in on a regular basis—-and the very, very busy Masterson graciously agreed. In the future, I hope to hash it out with her on women’s issues, local gender news, and—-my particular area of non-expertise—-parenting. Today, she dishes out advice to the Obamas for relocating to the District with Malia and Sasha in tow.

Barack and Michelle,

Your biggest parenting decision in Washington is already the source of rabid twittering. Private school headmasters’ knees are already bloody from the genuflection. Will it be Sidwell, Maret, or Georgetown Day for Malia andSasha? At the risk of disappointing moms and dads of a certain social class who are peeing their pants at the prospect of a Back-to-School Night fist bump, I recommend enrolling your girls in the D.C. public schools. Malia and Sasha will benefit by staying grounded during these heady days. And Secret Service presence will bring an attitude of hope and change to your neighborhood campus, mark my words. Take courage! Jimmy Carter went public with little Amy, way pre-Rhee.

After you figure out the school thing, be sure to take the girls to all the great free stuff D.C. offers, without delay-–-the Smithsonian museums, the Library of Congress, the National Parks, the embassies, the historic sites. All the stuff locals take for granted. Because before you know it, your four (or eight) years have slipped by and you’re trying to cram the American Indian Museum, a carousel ride on the Mall and a wacky duck boat tour into your final weekend before the return flight to Chicago.

But there’s something else, more important than the rest. When riding Metro escalators with your kids, please, in the name of All That’s Holy, stand to the right.

Sincerely,

Sarah Masterson

White House Photo by Chris Greenberg.