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On occasion, a Cosmopolitan magazine will appear in my home. And on occasion, I will put down the Pulitzer-Prize winning novel on gender identity and the American story that I am currently reading, pulled in by such cover teases as “Your Orgasm Face: What He’s Thinking When He Sees It.”

December’s issue, however, has a less savory headline on its cover: “How to Outsmart a Date Rapist.” Ah, yes, because the one salient characteristic of a date rapist I could identify would be his or her intellectual acumen. And goodness knows that I don’t want to get stuck playing the dumb rape victim—-and that if I’m looking to get smart, fast, I’ll turn to Cosmo.

But perhaps our lady mag could find an even better title for this handy how-to—-one that identified the date rapist’s most impressive skills, and instructed Cosmopolitan readers how to out-them them.

My suggestions, after the jump.

– “How to Out-date a Date Rapist”
– “How to Out-rape a Date Rapist”