In this, OUR FINAL INSTALLMENT IN THE HISTORIC FIRST AND ONLY PROBABLY EVER MAN MADNESS TOURNAMENT, Citizens United takes on D.C. Vote (Relive the full manly bracket here!). Next week, we’ll recap our standings, complete our tie-breakers between the winners, and reveal the manliest institution in D.C.—-as well as the bracket filler-outer who most closely predicted the results. They will win something! But first—-Citizens United! D.C. Vote! Bang? Whimper? Let’s find out!
CITIZENS UNITED: Citizens United aims to “reassert the traditional American values of limited government, freedom of enterprise, strong families, and” blah dee blah dee blah, booooring. But look at that shining bald eagle logo (pictured)! I can’t stay mad at you, Citizens United. Go ahead. Show me your men (again, information about this nonprofit comes from its 2006 990 form, as well as from its staff list on its Web site):
Chairman Floyd Brown (Male, 8 points) Media Consultant Brian Berry (Male, 7 points) Secretary-TreasurerDouglas L. Ramsey (Male, 6 points) Director Ron Robinson (Male, 5 points) Director John Bliss (Male, 4 points) DirectorKirby Wilbur (Male, 3 points)
Though Citizens United only lists eight staffers, its showing is so impressive, I’m going to go ahead and take its word for it and give the org. a 100 percent on the Manly Index. That’s 55 out of the possible 55 points—-all of them. In at the buzzer, Citizen United takes the advocacy bracket! You guys are going to the finals! That is, as long as you can soundly destroy the folks over at . . .
D.C. VOTE: These people would be just ecstatic if they every person in dee-cee was represented in Congress by someone who could like, vote and shit, and didn’t have to ineffectually brandish their token Senate badges in front of traffic cops when they got pulled over for Duis, which they are Certainly Not Very Guilty Of. Hmm, sounds rather progressive, I’m not sure how many this whole—-SHOW ME YOUR MEN!
Executive Dir. Ilir Zherka (Male, 10 points) Chair Bruce Spiva (Male, 9 points) Vice Chair Lorelie S. Masters (Female, ZERO)Treasurer Elizabeth A. Allen (Female, ZERO) Secretary John Klenert (Male, 6 points) Comm. & Devel. Dir. Kevin Kiger (Male, 5 points) Outreach Dir. Eugene Dewitt Kinlow (Male, 4 points) Operations Dir. Antonette E. Russell (Female, ZERO) Comm. Manager Jaline Quinto (Female, ZERO) Outreach Associate Erica Spell (Female, ZERO)
With 34 minutes out of a possible 55, D.C. Vote casts its ballot for mediocrity! CITIZENS UNITED IT IS! Return next week when we get this whole business tied up in a manly little bow and declare the ultimate victor!