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Last week we narrowed down D.C.’s workplaces to the four manliest organizations in the District (okay, due to several close manly ties, it was really six). They are: conservative moonie news source The Washington Times; obscure U.S. representative body the Senate; a whole bunch of unionized dudes; and bald eagle/Ronald Reagan advocacy group Citizens United (relive the madness with the full 64-workplace bracket here).
Now, it’s time to fight out the ties of our top-tier man-stitutions and crown a winner! First off: The Washington Times vs. Senate. This contest is an easy one—-the Senate is perfect, the Times is not—-sending the Cheney-Biden squadron of male lawmakers into the finals. The Unions vs. Citizens United face-off presents a tougher fight—-three perfectly manly unions (United Union of Roofers, Waterproofers, and Allied Workers; International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers; International Brotherhood of Teamsters) versus a perfectly manly conservative advocacy organization. Add in the Senate, and that’s five perfectly manly D.C. workplaces! How ever will I choose between them?
Indiscriminantly! I’ll grade these five remaining workplaces on these three factors, on a scale from one to ten:
1. Manliness in Name 2. Manliness in Purpose 3. Enduring Manliness
Let’s see how they do!
1. Manliness in Name. According to internationally renowned reliable resource Wikipedia, “The word senatorial is derived from the Latin word senātus (senate), which comes from senex, “old man.” 10 POINTS.
2. Manliness in Purpose. The Senate is the upper house of Congress, and takes on such manly duties as deciding things and appointing people. Some of its duties, however, are downright feminine. “Consenting” to treaties? The manly decide. The feminine consent. 5 POINTS
3. Enduring Manliness. The Senate has been going strong for 220 years. However, the Senate’s manliness has been receding steadily since 1922, 1922 when Rebecca Felton—-a lady!—-temporarily filled a senate vacancy for two days. 6 POINTS.
TOTAL: 21 POINTS
UNITED UNION OF ROOFERS, WATERPROOFERS, AND ALLIED WORKERS:
1. Manliness in Name. Roofers, Waterproofers, Men. 8 POINTS.
2. Manliness in Purpose. This union works to “organize workers” (manly) and work with “various groups on safety and health issues” (hardly). 3 POINTS
3. Enduring Manliness. This union’s roots only go back so far as a 1903 AFL charter. However, the union has this to say about its history: “Roofs have been necessary since our ancestors first stepped out of their caves and began building shelters using indigenous materials.” I’m convinced. 9 POINTS.
TOTAL: 20 POINTS
INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF ELECTRICAL WORKERS:
1. Manliness in Name: Brotherhood, bro. 8 POINTS. 2. Manliness in Purpose: The Brotherhood “represents some 725,000 members in construction, utilities, manufacturing, telecommunications, broadcasting, railroads and government.” That’s a lot of men! 9 POINTS.
3. Enduring Manliness. The Brotherhood claims that as far back as 1890, the IBEW “Dream is Born.” On the one hand, that’s a long time for manliness to endure. On the other hand, “dream” is nothing other than the idle dilly-dallying of those who cannot “do.” ZERO POINTS.
TOTAL: 17 POINTS
INTERNATIONAL BROTHERHOOD OF TEAMSTERS:
1. Manliness in Name. Brotherhood, brah. 8 POINTS.
2. Manliness in Purpose. The Teamsters not only represent the nation’s transportation and “freight-related” workers—-they also built Las Vegas! Plus, funnest Teamster ever, Jimmy Hoffa, went to prison before mysteriously disappearing, earning him a prominent spot in the Encyclopedia of Manliness. 10 POINTS.
3. Enduring Manliness. Then again, Hoffa’s been “missing” for 33 years. ZERO POINTS.
TOTAL: 18 POINTS
1. Manliness in Name. I see a missed opportunity: Male Citizens United? Citizens Man-nited? Manly Man Men? Get real. ZERO POINTS.
2. Manliness in Purpose. Citizens United aims to restore “traditional American values” set down by the “founding fathers,” including “strong families.” Read: Man, man, man, man, man! 10 POINTS.
3. Enduring Manliness. Citizens United was founded in 1988, which doesn’t give it a very manly track record. Hell, it’s younger than me (a woman)! However, perhaps we can see CU’s relatively recent formation as a sign that America’s manliness is still healthy enough to spawn another inane right-wing advocacy group. 8 POINTS.
TOTAL: 18 POINTS
That leaves only the victor: the incomparably manly:
Yes, yes, rah rah, celebrate now, U.S. Senate—-women’s rights activist Joe Biden will be lording over your activities soon enough! Then where will you be? Utter mannishness!
(It’s not over just yet—-later this week, I’ll announce the winner of our fill-in bracket competition).