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Return to Sender:Lip Service: A Man’s Guide to the Art of Oral Sex & Seduction and Lip Service: A Woman’s Guide to the Art of Oral Sex & Seduction, an instructional double volume by Don and Debra Macleod, authors of Lube Jobs.

Promotional Material I’m Not Interested In [crossed out]: “Quick: what is the sexiest part of the human body? For both men and women the answer is unquestionably the mouth, as readers quickly learn in this decadent and accessible tome of all things orally pleasurable—-Lip Service: A His and Hers Guide to the Art of Oral Sex and Sexuction. Saucily written by sex experts and longtime husband and wife writing team Don and Debra Macleod, Lip Service tackles a highly delicate (yet much longed-for) subject with wit, wisdom, and whimsy.” The presser also came with a tube of unflavored Lip Service SPF 15 lip balm (actually, pretty nice!)

Exhibit A: From the “Hers” side: “Lip Lingerie: Just as you emphasize the seductive beauty of your body by adorning it with lingerie, so, too, can you exploit your mouth’s passion potential by dressing it up . . . there is a plethora of products available for this purpose, but before you part with big bucks for a small tube of brand-name lip buffer, consider this: My grandmother used to exfoliate with good ol’ petroleum jelly and a washcloth. Even at eighty, she had the lips of a schoolgirl.”

That free Lip Service lip balm just became a little less acceptable.

Exhibit B: From the “His” side: “The masseur’s strokes were deep and long, moving up from her lower back to the nape of her neck. But as he kneaded her shoulders, she felt his warm breath in her ear and tensed at how unexpectedly close his face was to her body. ‘Relax and let yourself feel it,’ Justin—-or was it Jack?—-whispered, noticing her reaction. ‘Breathe into it.'”

This continues for pages. And pages.

I Rest My Case: These people are married!