Last week, psychologist Meredith Chivers revealed every woman’s secret bonobo sex fetish to the world. Okay, okay, you got us. Now, the time has come to freely shepherd bonobo porn into our sexual repertoire. Below, a primer on the sexual exploits of man’s closest—-and sexiest!—-relative.
For Your Consideration: “Bonobos—-Let’s Talk About Sex”
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Plot: Bonobos, of various shapes, sizes, and genders, have sex in a variety of positions, to the tune of Salt ‘N Peppa‘s “Let’s Talk About Sex”
Production Value: Superb editing; luxurious addition of high-quality audio track (as Chivers notes, bonobo sex sounds are not inately stimulating). But the song’s lyrics—-“Let’s talk about sex, baby / Let’s talk about you and me / Let’s talk about all the good things / And the bad things that may be / Let’s talk about sex / Let’s talk about sex”—-are a strange choice for a lust that dare not speak its name. The song serves as an unsettling mockery of the sex acts, limiting the clip’s arousal potential.
Highlight: This video, while deficient in length, nevertheless presents a variety of bonobo sex scenarios to satisfy even the most peculiar bonobo sex enthusiast.
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For Your Consideration: “Lesbian Monkey Love”
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Plot: A human family peers down upon a group of bonobos and provides a running commentary of their sexual activities (perhaps, in a wildlife refuge). While the bonobos’ most intimate acts are exposed through the camera lens, the humans remain unseen.
Production Value: While the high-quality camera work keeps the focus on the bonobo sex despite the human distractions, the post-production work here leves something to be desired. The writers, who title the clip “Lesbian Monkey Love,” appear ignorant to bonobo taxonomy, and fail to contextualize human sexual categories as applied to apes.
Highlight:
Child: “Eew, look what he’s rubbing! Why is he rubbing that!”
Adult: “Don’t you get itchy? He’s scratching.”
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For Your Consideration: “Bonobo Mating Activity Face to Face”
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Plot: A cliffhanger.This relic, filmed in 2001, opens with the excited face of a bonobo who appears to be engaged in masturbation. From there, the post-masturbatory bonobo and his habitat-mates spend a full minute coyly avoiding sexual contact until the finale: One bonobo grabs hold of a mounted metal bar, grabs hold of another bonobo with its feet, and commences copulation.
Production Value: Shaky camerawork and lack of soundtrack lends an art-house feel.
Highlight: Probably the metal bar fucking at the end.
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For Your Consideration: “Monkey Love”
Plot: A voyeuristic group of tourists happens upon a bonobo couple fucking near a majestic waterfall. Later, a little one gets in on the action.
Production Value: Soothing rush of waterfall soon begins to sound like broken television, while unscripted human commentary fails to truly illuminate bonobo sexual life—-watch this one on mute. Also, please—-again with the “monkey”?
Highlight: One bonobo eats something while another bonobo bends over, approaches from the rear, and bounces its butt on the other bonobo’s butt. Trust me on this one.