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From the Bloomingdale Listserv today, a cry for help:

Someone keeps defecating directly in front of my garage. I believe it is happening overnight. It was happening pretty consistently but then it stopped when the weather became cold. I was reluctant to believe that a human could be doing this.

But oh, human it was:

I had hoped that perhaps it was the fault of some inconsiderate person not picking up after their dog or that there may be a stray dog but today my morning surprise was topped off with tissue paper so I’m pretty sure a human is doing this. Does anyone have any suggestions of how I might deter this behavior? Has anyone else encountered this issue? Please help. Installing a camera or a motion-detecting light have been suggested.

Wow. Okay, that’s a doozy. Here’s my professional advice:

a) Install a toilet outside. b) Craft a polite sign requesting that Anonymous Humans Not Defecate In Front of Home. c) Buy a dog that will inevitably attempt to reclaim his territory by also pissing and shitting all over your lawn. d) Coyote pee.

Let us know how it goes!