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Ugh.
Recently, a study was released by the Harvard Business School showing that “culturally conservative states are America’s biggest purchasers of Internet pornography.” The revelation gave D.C.’s liberal bloggers an opportunity to descend on their Republican prey like ruthless, moral vultures. Observe:
First, Paul Fidalgo, the “DC Secularism Examiner,” weighed in with his requisite gloating commentary, calling the news “delightful” and “hilarious,” and informing readers that “it’s okay to love every minute of this.” What’s so funny? “It turns out that the ultra-red Utah was #1 in online porn subscriptions,” he writes, “and eight of the top ten porn-loving states voted for John McCain in 2008.” He then cites his favorite “schadenfreude” moment in the report: “In states where more people agree that ‘Even today miracles are performed by the power of God’ and ‘I never doubt the existence of God,’ there are more subscriptions to this service,” because, apparently, people who believe in God aren’t allowed to watch porn or they’re mean awful hypocrites.
Then, “DC Ethical Issues Examiner” Laura Harrison McBride chimes in and blows the secularist out of the water with her own gloating gloaty gloat. McBride, for her part, paints conservatives as Puritanical overlords who are districted from their mission of preventing Laura Harrison McBride from politely drinking her martinis only by the prospect of hypocritically jacking off in the privacy of their darkened home offices.
So, has this study proved once and for all that conservatives are horrible hypocrites worthy of a good smiting from the liberal bloggers of the world? Or perhaps something else can account for the amount of Internet pornography consumed in these great Republican centers?
a) People in Utah have to get their porn on the Internet because it’s, like, kind of hard to buy it anywhere else, DUH.
b) Conservatives don’t care about the war on porn anymore, they’re on to more important things like shunning abortionists and preventing the gays from devaluing their marriages.
c) Actually, NOBODY CARES ABOUT THE WAR ON PORN ANYMORE, except for the “experts” who blog for the Examiner‘s peanuts and write long, ranting blog posts thoroughly shaming anyone who watches it, making them, actually, yes, the sole brave warriors left in the moral crusade against pornography.
d) People who actually buy porn on the Internet are total Internet n00bs: Of course they voted for John McCain. While these red staters are busy plunking credit card numbers into pay-for porn sites, tech-saavy Obama voters are downloading teh pron free of charge because they’ve been navigating this series of tubes long enough to know that you don’t pay for this shit.
Photo by bella731.