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While in Mexico over the weekend, I happened across a bargain bin full of over-the-border delicacies: Mexican porn comics selling at 8 pesos each. Behold: Thinking penises! Dialogue I do not quite understand! Women who look like they’re not wearing shirts even when they’re wearing shirts! From today until Friday, I’ll be reviewing the three titles I picked up. De nada, guys.

Title: “Colegialas Ardientes: ¡Orgasmos Anales!”
[“Hot Schoolgirls: Anal Orgasms!”]

Distributor: “Aventuras de la Vagina”
[“Adventures of the Vagina”]

Plot: Hot schoolgirls gone wild. Lots of boobs.

Sample Dialogue:

Pero la colegiala ardiente, no sólo quería una rebanda del pastel. Se lo quería comer todo completo.
[ But the hot schoolgirl didn’t just want a piece of the pie. She wanted to eat the whole thing.]

COLEGIALA: ¡Caray, qué bien dotado estás!
[SCHOOLGIRL: Gee, how well-equipped you are!]

Se lo apretó como queriéndoselo romper.
She took hold of it like she wanted to break it.

COLEGIALA: Sí, Fernando. Qué linda tranca tienes, te lo juro.
[SCHOOLGIRL: Yes, Fernando. What a pretty pole you have, I swear].

FERNANDO: Espera, vamos a hacer las cosas bien.
[FERNANDO: Wait, we’re gonna do the good stuff].

El cuarto ardía . . .
[The next room . . .]

FERNANDO: Y sin ropa, las vamos a hacer mejor.
[FERNANDO: And without clothes, we’re going to do it better].

COLEGIALA: Tú eres el sabelotodo y eres el que ordena.
[SCHOOLGIRL: You’re the know-it-all, you give the orders].

Ya desnudos, se tallaban sus partes con agresiva, pero dulce, libidinosidad. Tremblando de deseo se masturban una ala otra.
[Now naked, they played their parts aggressively, but sweetly, libidinously. Trembling with desire, they masturbated each other].

BURBUJA DEL PENSAMIENTO DEL PENE DE FERNANDO:: Me cae que nunca sentí una vagina tan aterciopelada.
[THOUGHT BUBBLE FROM FERNANDO’S PENIS: It occurs to me that I have never felt so velvety a vagina].

—-

SPANISH LESSON: “Tranca” has applications beyond the construction site.

BIEN: Fernando’s penis has thoughts.

MAL: Where the anal orgasms at?

DECIDING FACTOR: At the beginning of the comic, “Aventuras de la Vagina” covers its ass by writing, “Todas las historias y sus personajes de esta revista son ficticios,” as if this illustrated dirty-old-man fantasy could ever have been based on actual events. Awesome.

GRADE: 3/4 hot schoolgirls. Or “ardent” schoolgirls, depending on your translation.