Do you think he thought it sounded sexier in his head?

Alan Scherstuhl at the Village Voice has unearthed the audiobook recording of Bill O’Reilly‘s lost 1998 novel, Those Who Trespass. For the uninitiated, Scherstuhl provides some background on the thriller:

1998 novel about an O’Reilly-esque TV journalist who is trained by an Irish Republican Army terrorist to kill the people who deserve it the most: the broadcast news bastards who interfered with the O’Reilly character’s career. It’s personal on the political level, too—-his victims includes a powerful “bitch” named Hillary and a fat “slob” named Martin Moore.

Before the clips, a bit of context.

The murderer, Shannon Michaels, is pursued by an O’Reilly-esque cop, Tommy O’Malley. These two Irish-Americans share their author’s tough-talk, lust for power, and (alleged!) belief that the best way to seduce a woman is to seize her breasts, preferably as she showers.

The Village Voice has pulled the best clips from O’Reilly’s self-narrated novel, from “Say baby, put down that pipe and get my pipe up” to “I would like you to unhook your bra and let it slide down your arms. You can keep your shirt on.”

Below is my personal favorite: “She obediently performed oral sex on him.”

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As with all cultural phenomenons worth remembering, somebody has already converted the audioclips into aslow jam remix.

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Photo from Wikipedia Commons