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Actually, this is enough to make me not want to have sex ever again.

The Washington Post‘s editorial board published a piece today arguing that “Pope Benedict XVI Is Wrong on Condoms.” An understatement, sure, but I was still glad to see our newspaper of record take God’s gift to Africa down a notch. Until I got, oh, four sentences in:

In a perfect world, people would abstain from having sex until they were married or would be monogamous in committed relationships.

Now, at long last, we know what a perfect world would look like!

Nobody would have sex until they were married, except for the gays, who would never have sex ever (except while in Massachusetts and Connecticut). We would all be virgins until we caved and got married too young so we could have sex finally, only to figure out that we didn’t really like our spouses enough to spend all eternity with them (and also that the sex was bad). We wouldn’t get divorced, because divorce is also un-perfect. Our children would suffer, because even while married we wouldn’t be allowed to use contraception.

Take heart, sinners: Everyone who is currently having premarital sex is doing his or her part to make our world a little less perfect. Those of you who are unmarried but are “monogamous in committed relationships” are less unperfect, as long as that committed relationship is your first and it ends in a marriage which ends in death.

Thanks for showing us the way, Washington Post editorial board, secret agents of the Papacy!

Photo by roblisameehan