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Okay, before anything else: Please read this. I’m not sure what it is—-more on that later—-but it appears to be a column for the Globe and Mail penned by Lynn Crosbie about the true definition of “Samoan,” the reason why “Two & A Half Men” is “excellent,” and whether women in popular culture have been effectively replaced by mere “warmins.” Anyway, it’s a must read, but mostly because I could never possibly fucking explain it to you.
Ahem. Welcome to Sexist Beatdown, hosted by Sady from Tiger Beatdown and myself of the Sexist. Every week we do this little experiment where we drink a couple glasses of wine, sip a bit too plentifully from the NyQuil, and leave long, rambling voice messages on each others’ telephones that we then transcribe and place on the Internet for public consumption. Oh wait, that’s not us, that’s the way we imagine Lynn Crosbie’s latest column came into existence. My bad.
Although: Sady. Darling. WE SHOULD TOTALLY DO THAT ONE WEEK.
But for now:
AMANDA: “a woman is anyone who once was a tiny gamete with XX sex chromosomes instead of X plus Y.” oh boy. we’re getting into really enlightened conversation here.
SADY: oh, yes. apparently, “feminism” is about defining exactly who gets to be or not be a real lady on a profoundly restrictive biological basis! did you know ladies have the “indoor” “plumbing”?
AMANDA: that makes us more sophisticated
SADY: it does, in fact. sophisticated enough to appreciate the excellent sitcom, “two and a half men!”
AMANDA: I like this woman’s style! I could never write a sentence like this: “It is this, the plumbing, not the chromosomes, that define and estrange us from the brothers.” I think this is written in some sort of code. See: lede, “What is a real Samoan?”
SADY: right? in the end, we are told that defining Samoans is USELESS. there IS no such thing as a person of Samoan heritage or citizenship! i guess my question as to what this means for feminism in pop culture – the subject (?) of her article – is, HUH?
AMANDA: wait, is that what we learn? i truly cant tell if the sendoff is a joke: “Next week: Your American Idol! Comments?” hmm, yes, I have a comment. umm … get an editor?
SADY: hahaha this seriously reads like someone drank a whole bottle of nyquil and hammered out an article 1.5 seconds before deadline. like, her complaint seems to be that women can’t be defined a certain way although also she can define women but women in pop culture have not been sufficiently indefinable, so, what’s with defining things, Media?
AMANDA: i’m not sure why “Obsessed” will be good for feminism in pop culture but “The Reader” isnt? yeah, she seems to have an aversion to defining anything, like her point, or subjects of sentences
SADY: well, in “Obsessed,” we learn the very important lessons that women are natural energies and also that you should STAY AWAY FROM MY MAN. ENEMIES, not energies. i have been stricken with ill-definedness!
AMANDA: “the very image of a woman so fluid in her possibilities.” as is this essay, which i like to imagine was transcribed from a drunken voicemail
SADY: women are the trees, and the rain, and the wind.
AMANDA: the only thing i can say for sure about women is that they clearly ALWAYS have two XX sex chromosomes!
SADY: allow me to quote to you one of my favorite recent bits of feminism in pop culture, from singer/songwriter ben lee. it is called, “i’m a woman, too.” AMANDA: haha. great. ok
SADY: It’s true, it’s true I’m a woman too I move with the flow of the seasons
I do, I do Cause I’m a woman too I don’t make sense but I got my reasons
AMANDA: this whole thing makes me want to bang my head on my keyboard. maybe the results could be published in the globe and mail?
SADY: yes, in womanly fashion. MOVE WITH THE FLOW OF THE SEASONS, my fellow woman. if there is one thing we have learned from ben lee and/or the globe and mail, it is that women make NO SENSE.
AMANDA: hear hear. incidentally, i have a small obsession with two and a half men. because—-i’ve never seen it—-but i always catch about 2 minutes of it before gossip girl comes on. and it’s always the sweet conclusion, which is usually charlie sheen sitting down on a couch and drinking a beer or something, and the other guy exiting and a laugh track. whatever happened before that may have been crazy interesting, but the end is always the same. it could be the same episode! i have no idea. and then the song comes on that’s like “Men, men, men MEN MEN MEN men men men MEN MEN MEN men men men”
SADY: that sounds amazing! why don’t women have a show like this!
AMANDA: pitch it
SADY: LADY LADY LADY: IS SHE SAMOAN? No way of knowing!
AMANDA: i do want to give lynn crosbie one credit here, which is, when I read the word “warmins,” i laughed out loud. i’m still laughing
SADY: yes, a show about how women may change from summer to spring to fall but Warmins are eternal i have a question for you: “What would you rather do: Consider seducing your hot boss in a bathroom stall or watch Queen Latifah being chased by bees?”
AMANDA: that’s a question for the ages.
Photo via cbs.com