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Worried that the stalky Gollum dude who has been following you around and creepily staring at everything you put in your mouth (and your wedding albums) is trying to kill you? Don’t worry, that’s just Charles Stuart Platkin, “the diet Detective,” and he actually Wants to Save Your Life!

Also, you’re fat.

Funny—-I didn’t think my life was in danger until that emaciated diet gnome showed up in my living room and stared down my pizza with those soulless eyes. . . oh God, those eyes.

[via Feministing]