“It must be the season of the listicle,” Susannah Breslin declares today on DoubleX. “Too lazy to write an article, or, heck, even create a charticle, print and online writers turn to the list in an attempt to draw as many list-loving readers as possible,” she writes, before parsing Nerve.com’s latest vomit, “The Twenty Sexiest Ugly People.”
Hey, I’m lazy! But I also understand how hard it can be to find 20, 10, or fuck—-even five things that all fit together in a dumb theme and that people will deign to click on. That’s why I’ve made this list of the five sex Listicles that have listed too far:
5. Lemondrop‘s 17 Famous Men With Teenie Wenies:
Commenter “Eduardo” gets a little defensive on this one, writing, “how stupid, but now that we all know about the guys with small weeners how about telling us about the famous women with big pussys?” I, too, have advocated for parity in discussions of genitalia size, but that’s not my issue with the list. Most of the “teenie wenies” on the list are based on conjecture, but the number three pick is outright nonsensical:
3. Daniel Radcliffe. When the Harry Potter star appeared naked on stage in ‘Equus,’ his penis shrank ‘to the size of a hamster.’ God knows what it looked like before.
Since hamsters range anywhere from two to 13.5 inches long, and Radcliffe’s penis was probably flaccid on-stage, I can guess what it looked like before: A giant fucking penis.
4. Divine Caroline‘s “Top Ten Things That Are Ruining Your Sex Life“
This top-ten list is reaching all along—-red meat is ruining your sex life, and also vegans? But when you reach all the way to the date rape jokes, maybe it’s time to abbreviate your Listicle at five:
3. Ambien. Because when you take it, you can’t remember whether you had sex or not without checking the sheets.
3. Nerve‘s “Twenty Sexiest Ugly People“
Don’t ever fuck with Tilda Swinton, you guys:
7) Tilda Swinton It’s appropriate that Tilda Swinton played the White Witch in The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe — she looks like she could turn you to stone with a glance. But even if a David Bowie cloning experiment went awry here, some of that cold allure came through. She may not be pretty, but Tilda Swinton is damn fierce.
2. Guy Cimbalo‘s list of 10 conservative women he’d like to hate-fuck (which has mysteriously disappeared from the Playboy Web site)
. . . No.
1. AskMen.com‘s “Top Ten Female Sex Fantasies“
These fantasies, like domination, teacher/student, voyeurism, and private dancers, are sex fantasies alright—-sex fantasies that, you know, women and men have. Not all men and women have these fantasies, however—-which is why I would like to ask AskMen.com why it chose to identify this particular fantasy as a “massively popular fantasy among women” without any sort of caveat about, you know—-FUCKING MAKING SURE THAT SHE WANTS YOU TO PERFORM THIS RAPE FANTASY BEFORE YOU DO IT SO IT IS NOT ACTUALLY RAPE:
3. Rape As mentioned in our Common Female Fantasies article, rape is a massively popular fantasy among women. Most psychologists believe this top 10 female sex fantasy allows a woman to have the wild, dirty sex she craves, without having to suffer the guilt that often follows. These female sex fantasies usually involve a gorgeous man carrying her off to his bedroom and quickly getting down to business. She’ll protest as he tears her clothing off and expertly arouses her body, but on the inside, she’ll love every minute of it. This continues to the point of penetration, and leads her to an incredible orgasm despite her earlier protests. This female sex fantasy allows a woman to be wanton and enjoy sex—- something society rarely permits.