Alright Judd Apatow,

You did it. You made us cry. I want to blame it all on the Loudon Wainwright III track you craftily played over the end credits of “Knocked Up,” but I can’t. I’ll admit it. I believe that there is a part deep inside of you—-way, way “Freaks and Geeks” deep inside—-that understands characters that might appeal to the lady douchebags among us.

First, we’d like to commend you on your achievement of crafting some of the most enduring male douchebags of film. The films you’ve written, directed, or produce have been rife with these lovable douche-cads: Seth of Superbad, who coined the term “shmashmortion”; Ben of Knocked Up, who endearingly cradled his bong instead of his pregnant girlfriend during an earthquake; David of 40 Year Old Virgin, who memorably opined, “You know how you know you’re gay?”

And yet, that mastercraftsmanship was eerily absent when forming the 40 Year Old Virgin‘s three main female characters—-you know, that one drunk slut, that one sober slut, and the one nice mom lady who didn’t have sex at all. I didn’t catch much of a glimpse of it in Superbad, either, which featured teen versions of the above—-you know, the one sex object who didn’t drink and the other sex object who turned into a drunk slut at the film’s climax. And “knocked up” pretty much sums up the emotional states of the two main ladies in that film. Douchey, sure! Funny, not so much.

But we know you have it in you to create some supreme weed-smoking, Gandalf-impersonating, laundry-soaped-beer-stealing, shmashmortion-joking, responsibility-shirking, non-sex-object, non-mother, fun lady douchebags. We even caught sight briefly of this Apatowing lady-douche, in Knocked Up‘s stoner girlfriend Jodi. She was in the movie for like three seconds.

But we know there is a part of you that would like to create an entire 90-minute storyline around this elusive lady-douche. We suspect this part of you is right next to the part of you that introduced the women of the world to James Franco (THANK YOU for that, by the way).

Seriously, Apatow, all you really have to do is take the characters you already have and slap vaginas on them. That’s like, only one step further than what you usually do whenever you make a new movie.


Concerned Lady Douches of America

Photo via Wikipedia