Sign up for our free newsletter

Sign Up

I already get the newsletter

Take a look at this man. He is sculpted. Sophisticated. Discriminating. Confident, as if in possession of a heightened sense of core consciousness. Ripped. But no—-this man is more than ripped. This man is RIPT.

“ ?” you may be wondering. RIPT, according to RIPT, is “a body-sculpting undershirt designed to support your core, shave inches off your belly and enhance your posture. Immediately, you will look and feel better in your clothes with a heightened sense of core consciousness.” It’s also a product on the cutting edge of achieving equality for women via regression.

How does RIPT work? Sophisticatedly—-by “compacting the abdomen and back” to create “a flatter silhouette under clothes,” while subtly bringing men down to the level of women by impugning their masculinity with make-believe standards of physical perfection, then marketing uncomfortable and impractical products meant at solving what ails them (retail price $58). If only Sojourner Truth were alive today to see this.

But wait just a minute. What’s wrong with the relaxed sense of core consciousness inspired by a man’s regular old cotton t-shirt?

Honey, no: “Regular cotton t-shirts are so dead and gone,” RIPT informs. What you need is a “compression garment” that may be worn under a “dress shirt, a polo, or a sweater.” Can your regular cotton t-shirt do that, with the added benefit of making women feel better about feeling bad about their bodies? No. Only through a padded bra for men will women experience true equality.

How do you put on this goddamned thing anyway?

Okay, smartass. But how do you take it off?

My God—-a $58 dollar shirt that will make men sophisticated, discriminating, confident, flatter, just as miserable as women, and which can be applied to their bodies just like a regular t-shirt? What’s the downside here, beyond the totally awkward scenario of pulling your padded t-shirt up to your underarm, then grabbibg one side and pulling all the way over your head—-in preparation for having sex with a woman? As a friend of mine pointed out, in a resounding defense of RIPT: “Whatever, who wants to sleep with the same woman twice anyway?”