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Reddit user LinuxFreeOrDie is having girlfriend trouble. LinuxFreeOrDie posted a few comments on the Web site that his significant other just didn’t understand. One comment suggested that another Reddit user name her new Chihuaha “beeyotch.” Another suggeted that one of the “four things a woman needs to know” is “how to fuck like a whore.” The most incendiary comment, however, specifically referred to LinuxFreeOrDie’s girlfriend as a “bitch.” He then introduced his girlfriend to his body of work. She was pissed—-“like super pissed.”

So where does LinuxFreeOrDie go for lady advice? Yep: Reddit. In a post titled “I tried to get my girlfriend into Reddit, but then she read all my comments and now she thinks I’m an asshole, what to do?,” he writes:

So I linked her to one of my comments, joking about it, and she read all my other comments and now basically thinks I’m an asshole because they were all “mean”, “offensive”, “douchey” (never thought I would be called that), “not even answering the question, almost trolling” (sorry AskReddit). I tried to explain that they were “jokes”.

The one she was really pissed about, which is the one I originally linked to her, was this. Apparently she “doesn’t like being called a bitch online”, personally though, I just couldn’t see how anyone could possibly take that comment seriously. (by the way – thanks a LOT soapier!) She also didn’t appriciate the humor in this and this (admittedly not my best work). The fact that all the comments were upvoted didn’t seem to matter =(. Anyway she called me about all this, and I refused to apologize or even acknowledge that it made sense, so she got even MORE pissed (like super pissed – might even break up with me). I figured it would be (in)appropriate to submit to AskReddit since that’s basically what caused the problem in the first place. What should I do?

Here’s the comment “she was really pissed about“: “She’s great overall, but the other day I offered to buy her the reddit bacon soap and she said she would never use it. Bitch.”

Reddit users responded helpfully: by commisserating with him about how LinuxOrDie’s girflriend just didn’t understand the Reddit culture. Most of the solutions are pretty easy for LinuxOrDie: They involve his girlfriend just changing her mindset to acknowledge that LinuxOrDie is actually an amazing catch, that she really is a bitch, and if she can’t handle that, she’s going to be a single bitch. A sample:

The you’re-actually-a-cute-and-sensitive-guy solution:

Your comments are generally short and sweet. You have a similar level of karma after one year to LinuxFreeOrDie after four months. You seem like the kind of guy who doesn’t say much more than is needed, which probably makes you really easy to get along with. You don’t need to be seen shouting out your thoughts but are happy share them when asked.

Your submissions are a little nerdy and mostly ask* submissions – this suggests you are a little unsure of yourself, which is cute, but not insecure, which would be irritating.

The you’re-a-pussy solution:

Tell her to get a sense of humor or a new boyfriend. Why are you being such a pussy?

The your-girlfriend-is-a-bitch solution:

Amen, there’s lots of pussy out there. Get one that doesn’t suck.

Apparently joking about her being a bitch hit close to home.

The your-girlfriend-is-a-humorless-bitch solution:

agreed, find someone with your sense of humor or at least can deal with your sense of humor. My girlfriend reads my reddit comments and shakes her head but she doesn’t cause fights over them….and if she’s reading this now: Yo girl, Ima tap dat later, k?

The all-encompassing-your-girlfriend-is-an-incurable-feminazi solution:

If your girl is that sensitive about this kind of thing then you are going to have problems down the road. I have lost 2 very good friends to women who now own them. I’m not just talking being whipped I’m talking Owned. Don’t start towards that slippery slope because it’s too easy to be worn down into a neutered pet who cannot come out to play or see his friends because they are a bad influence. Is this what you wanna be? A window display at her tea parties? A trophy for all her feminazi friends? You need to make her understand that NO, she does not have the moral high ground despite what society or her own whims have convinced her of. If she makes a stink, make her pay. Don’t let her get away with even one instance of unjust tyrannical control or manipulation or you’re done.

And my very personal favorite, the-at-least-you’re-a-real-jerk-and-not-a-fake-jerk solution:

Tell her to lighten up and pull the stick out.

Some chicks have no sense of humor.

Hey girlfriend, if you’re reading the responses to your boyfriend’s comments, realize he’s just a normal dude being a goofball.

If you don’t lighten the fuck up, chances are you’ll end up with a fucking creep who’s learned how to fake sincerity, and that’s not going to end well.

LinuxFreeOrDie, do I have some good advice for you: Your Internet friends are misogynist douchebags. You are too, but you just found that out—-consider this your second warning. But in all of your friends’ advice, I didn’t catch one personal anecdote about your misogynist douchebag Internet friends actual experience with women. In conclusion, you must choose between being an anonymous Internet misogynist douchebag and having a girlfriend. Choose wisely.

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