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Cat massage! It’s not just for ‘ol “Champion” and his groovy, whisker-alert, cat-lady owner anymore. Plenty of cat owners have submitted their own feline masseuse moves for Internet approval—-all of them creepy! I don’t know why people who film their in-house cat massages for use as instructional video strike me as so perverse. Maybe it’s because they think they know exactly what a fucking cat is thinking? Whatever, they like it! So  grab hold of Mr. Sniggles and commence subjecting him to the borderline-inappropriate touching tips of complete strangers.

The Creepy Cat Massage Video That Started It All: “So Your Cat Wants A Massage?”

[youtube:v=TnZhi5gaX8g]

Massage Technique: “We touch all the time, so why not be the best at it? Like the touch of a fairy.”

Why It’s So Creepy: Even the theory behind cat massage is crazy. “Petting is just randomly petting. Most people will go mid-back. Eh!”

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 2: “How to Give a Cat Massage”

[youtube:v=hb4golQN_8Q]

Technique:Start with the classic chop-chop massage that we’ve all seen in the movies. Begin to deepen your fingers in the cat’s body. Then go freestyle on the cat’s head/body. Continue to freestyle to your heart’s desires.”

Why It’s So Creepy: I think this one’s a joke, but he’s still touching that cat funny!

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 3: “cat massage”

[youtube:v=3YxPr4QEsIM]

Massage Technique:Leilani relaxes with her daily cat massage. She loves to be pampered.”

Why It’s So Creepy: Slow-motion.

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 4: “How to massage a cat”

[youtube:v=Q2crmb3iBJE]

Massage Technique:Make sure you pull the tail more than 5 times.”

Why It’s So Creepy: The biting. The biting.

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Creepy Cat Massage Video 5: “cat body massage”

[youtube:v=uC41pJRYHVs]

Massage Technique: “My cat ‘Wisky’ very like massage. Every day we make massage for our Wisky.”

Why It’s So Creepy: The television may blare, the masseuse may converse with the cameraperson, but that cat’s eyes stay trained on the camera the whole time.