Cat massage! It’s not just for ‘ol “Champion” and his groovy, whisker-alert, cat-lady owner anymore. Plenty of cat owners have submitted their own feline masseuse moves for Internet approval—-all of them creepy! I don’t know why people who film their in-house cat massages for use as instructional video strike me as so perverse. Maybe it’s because they think they know exactly what a fucking cat is thinking? Whatever, they like it! So grab hold of Mr. Sniggles and commence subjecting him to the borderline-inappropriate touching tips of complete strangers.
The Creepy Cat Massage Video That Started It All: “So Your Cat Wants A Massage?”
Massage Technique: “We touch all the time, so why not be the best at it? Like the touch of a fairy.”
Why It’s So Creepy: Even the theory behind cat massage is crazy. “Petting is just randomly petting. Most people will go mid-back. Eh!”
Creepy Cat Massage Video 2: “How to Give a Cat Massage”
Technique: “Start with the classic chop-chop massage that we’ve all seen in the movies. Begin to deepen your fingers in the cat’s body. Then go freestyle on the cat’s head/body. Continue to freestyle to your heart’s desires.”
Why It’s So Creepy: I think this one’s a joke, but he’s still touching that cat funny!
Creepy Cat Massage Video 3: “cat massage”
Massage Technique: “Leilani relaxes with her daily cat massage. She loves to be pampered.”
Why It’s So Creepy: Slow-motion.
Creepy Cat Massage Video 4: “How to massage a cat”
Massage Technique: “Make sure you pull the tail more than 5 times.”
Why It’s So Creepy: The biting. The biting.
Creepy Cat Massage Video 5: “cat body massage”
Massage Technique: “My cat ‘Wisky’ very like massage. Every day we make massage for our Wisky.”
Why It’s So Creepy: The television may blare, the masseuse may converse with the cameraperson, but that cat’s eyes stay trained on the camera the whole time.