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The first time I heard Usher‘s new gender-bending single, “Trading Places,” the D.J. introduced it as a “backseat jam”—-a track that’s very conducive to fucking. “Trading Places,” which follows Usher and his lady-friend as they trade gender roles in the bedroom for an evening, presents gender transgression as a one-off sexual novelty. It’s also not very sexy (in one verse, Usher’s girlfriend orders Chinese food and demands that Usher not wash his hands before they do it. Thrilling). Needless to say, it wasn’t really a jam I was willing to climb into the backseat for—-and that was before I knew that the song is also a stealth anal sex anthem!

Let’s analyze the male/female dichotomy through the lens of Usher, shall we?

Now we gonna do this thing a lil different tonight You gonna come over and pick me up in your ride You gon knock and then you gon wait Ooo you gon take me on a date You gonna open my door and I’ma reach over and open yours Gon pay for dinner take me to see a movie And whisper in my ear I bet you really wanna do me Girl now take me home and get up in my Benz Pour me up a shot and force me to the bed

Things men do: drive cars, take people on dates, open doors, pay for dinner, pay for a movie, voice their desire for sex, pour liquor, force people into bed.

Things women do: ride in cars, go on dates, eat dinner, watch movies, get propositioned, drink liquor, go to bed.

I’m always on the top tonight I’m on the bottom Cause we trading places When I cant take no more, tell me you ain’t stopping Cause we trading places Now put it on me baby till I say “oooo weee” And tell me to shut up before the neighbors hear me This is how it feels when you do it like me We trading places

Things men do: Be on top, not stop, put it on people, tell people to shut up.

Things women do: Be on the bottom, not be able to take things anymore, be loud.

I’ll be waking you up to a cup of Folgers Pancakes and eggs I owe ya breakfast in bed, oh baby And your orange juice sitting on the coaster Toast on the side baby strawberry and grape jelly You finished let me get that drink, Pull the curtain from the window Time to get up baby let me make this bed up Today we going shopping blow 30 on me Make it 60, spend it like u really love me Skip dinner and we gon rent a movie You order chinese food right before u do me You coming on strong baby let me wash me hands She said hurry up then get your ass to bed

Things men do: Drink coffee, eat pancakes, drink orange juice, eat toast, get out of bed, spend money, rent movies, order Chinese food, do people, come on strong, tell people to hurry up.

Things women do: Make coffee, make pancakes, pour orange juice, butter toast, make the bed, receive gifts, wash their hands, go to bed.

(yeah) Wash the car (yeah) I’m gonna walk the dog (yeah) Take out the trash (yeah) With nothing but your t-shirt on (yeah) I’m gonna press your shirt (yeah) I’m gonna wrinkle mines up (yeah) In the kitchen girl we crazy we don’t give a—- Where you want me?

Things men do: Wash cars.

Things women do: Walk dogs, empty the trash, press shirts, do it wherever they want.

Stay tuned for part two You been me, I been you But we gon switch this thing back I’ma put it on your ass.

Things men do: Force their girlfriends to play out comical male stereotypes while assuming the role of the subservient female. Then, in order to reclaim their masculinity, threaten to insert their dicks into their girlfriends’ anuses.

Things women do: Play along with the gender stereotype game at the request of their boyfriends. Prepare hard, phallic objects to force it into their boyfriends’ anuses at the height of the gender-bending sex. It’s what men do!