In 2001, Wilson Holland of West Palm Beach, Fla., attempted to patent a design for the first Universal Artificial Intelligence. According to Holland: “The Turing test is considered the high water mark of such a program.  It consists of an interrogator communicating blindly with a human and an Artificial Intelligence. If the interrogator can not distinguish the two then the Artificial Intelligence is Universal,” he writes. “This design is Universal. It will pass this test.”

In order to prove that his Artificial Intelligence could  master the “outer parameters of all possible human thought,” Holland presented a variety of common human interactions and demonstrated how the AI’s reasoning would operate under each circumstance.  All is well until we get to the “Reproduction” section, where we discover that this reasoning is not “Universal” so much as it is “Wilson Holland’s ill-informed heteronormative rants about women, rape, and HIV.” Let’s take a look:

WILSON HOLLAND’S POSSIBLE HUMAN SEX SCENARIO NUMBER 1, IN WHICH CHECKING OUT LADIES PROVES YOU’RE NOT IMPOTENT AND/OR GAY:

A male human is flipping through channels on a television. He stops on a channel which has a bathing suit commercial. He views the beautiful women wearing skimpy bathing suits.

His wife enters the room. “What the heck are you doing?”

He replies, “I’m just seeing what kind of bikini I might buy you for Christmas.”

She says, “Yeah right.”

When a male human receives the visual stimulus of the silhouette of a healthy female’s body this information entering the brain from the optic nerve triggers the hormonal generated thoughts (in most situations). His hormones are telling him “I want to have sex with that girl, and that one too.” Does this mean he is a bad husband? . . . If he were to see these women in bathing suits and not feel any hormonal generated thoughts, then this might be a sign of impotence. This would mean that he may not be functioning properly when attempting to have sex, with his wife.

WILSON HOLLAND’S POSSIBLE HUMAN SEX SCENARIO NUMBER 2, IN WHICH MEN DON’T LISTEN BECAUSE THEY NEED TO FILE SOME MASTURBATION MATERIAL FOR LATER:

Jim is a cashier at a convenience store. A very beautiful girl walks in a mini skirt. She walks to the back to get a soda out of the refrigerated section. He looks down to view her legs. She then walks up to the counter.

She says “Can I get ten dollars on pump four (she is speaking of the gasoline pump which she wishes to receive fuel from for her vehicle)?”

After a few seconds he states, “Uh yeah, uh pump two?”

She says “Yeah”

He then says, “And that will be all?”

She says “Yeah. That’s it.”

He says, “Well thank you. If you need any help pumping the gas or anything I would be glad to help.”

She laughs a little, “Thanks, but I think I can manage.”

When a male human comes in contact with the visual appearance of a female’s form, and that female is a healthy normal specimen, his thoughts are of having sex with the form (in most situations). . . . It is important to note that male humans (generally) view the silhouette of a female’s form and masturbate with this stimulus. . . . Males can be found visualizing the female form in many scenes exclusively for the act of masturbation as opposed to actual sex. It is not likely that this cashier will have sex with the female. He may use her visual stimulus to masturbate.

WILSON HOLLAND’S POSSIBLE HUMAN SEX SCENARIO NUMBER 3, IN WHICH THE WOMAN AND BABY WHO DIE OF AIDS ARE TO BLAME!!!!!!!!!!!1:

The battle of work verses play manifests itself in the sexual desires of humans. Having sex is not always the correct solution to the natural selection problem. Males often want sex from a female while the female puts it off in making sure her mate is a good choice. The male (generally) has a strong desire to achieve an orgasm. He will surely make errors in problem solving with this issue:

A male and female are beginning to have sex

“Do you have the condom? The female asks.

“If we could …” He says as he is kissing her. “It feels so much better without the condom.”

“You have to wear the condom. ” She asks.

“Let . . . me” He then proceeds to have sex without the condom. She does not dispute or try to stop him. She later becomes pregnant and develops HIV. Her and her child both die from the illness.

In this scene the sensation of a sexual experience is in conflict with the knowledge that not using a condom can be harmful. Natural Selection is trying to eliminate these humans one way or another. If she would have insisted on a condom, his not being “fit” would mean that his offspring would not have been born. But she made a mistake, so natural selection has sought to eliminate her and the offspring.

WILSON HOLLAND’S POSSIBLE HUMAN SEX SCENARIO NUMBER 4, IN WHICH RAPE IS A SMALL SEXUAL “ERROR”:

Johanna and Liz both have pet Chihuahuas. Liz is visiting Johanna with her male dog “Pinto.”

Johanna’s female dog “Lady” is quite excited to see Pinto and they begin to play immediately when they arrive. The two humans sit on the couch and begin having conversations. After a minute or two Lady jumps up on the couch and sets still. Pinto jumps up and continually attempts to get her to be more animate so that he can perpetuate the sex act and then mount her. She was temporarily interested in playing when he first arrived because she was caught up in the excitement of having visitors, yet now she is indignant. She is not in heat and does not wish to have sex. Pinto’s showing the arousal he has felt since arriving by constantly keeping his ears pointed up high and his eyes wide open. The two humans laugh and make comments at his attempts. Liz pulls him back telling him “Relax, she’s just not interested.” She holds him for a second and then lets go. Like a magnet he goes directly to the female to attempt courtship. She pulls him back again and when let go he moves directly to the female again. Throughout the entire hour long visit Pinto does not give up, slow down, or show any other desire to do any other thing but have sex with “Lady.”

The human which first coined the phrase “Men are dogs.” must have observed a dog like this one. In nature, the males of many species often act as an “on” button. They are ready at any given moment to perform sex (in most situations). Females often are only able to perform sex at certain times. The female has more of a duty to decide if sex with a given male is in the best interest of the offspring to be produced. . . . Males perform the act of rape more than females because their arousal is closely linked with the sex act and they often have the ability to over-power their victim. Females, even if given the ability to overpower a victim, would not be as compelled by sexual desire to perform rape. Males like the cashier mentioned earlier are distracted by their sexual desires. The strong sex drives of males cause a wide range of errors in the acquisition of sex.