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Last spring, I discovered the CockBib, an oral sex accessory for men who want a dryer blowjob. “The whole idea for cockbibs came to me right after I was pleased orally and realized,’Damn, I can’t just fall asleep, I need to get up and wash my balls,'” the device’s inventor explained on his Web site, CockBibCrazy.com. “I had just been a victim of another sloppy blowjob.”

As it turns out, CockBibCrazy’s proprietor was not the first martyr to the sloppy blowjob. Though CockBibCrazy.com was registered on March 13, 2009, a different CockBib outfit, CockBib.com, was registered all the way back on Dec. 22, 2008. At CockBib.com, a duo called Jon and Shan market what they call “the original cockbib.” When I wrote to CockBibCrazy for his thoughts on the “original” CockBib, he seemed unfazed by the competition. “I am sure you can see a big difference in the quality of our product and the time put into our site?” he wrote to me.

For once, CockBib guy was right. CockBib.com’s CockBib designs are even weirder than dick accessories “Caution: May Cause Trauma” and “Pussy Killer.” Let’s check ’em out!

5. “When Swallowing Is … Not an Option!” The informative CockBib.

4. “Don’t Talk With Your Mouth Full!” With a name like “CockBib,” the infantalization was inevitable.

3. “Daddy’s Little Squirt.” When your product works equally well as a CockBib and a baby bib, you know you’re doing something very, very wrong.

2. “Bride Breathalizer“: For the pre-wedding date rape.

1. “Road Love . . . It’s What Makes A Subaru, A Subaru.” Gross. My parents have a Subaru.