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In a promotional blitz for his film, I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell, Tucker Max has published a series of comedic “facts” to help publicize the IHTSBIH way of life. “Blind girls never see you coming,” reads one insight; “The best thing about fat girls is heart disease,” reads another. These “facts” have been deemed too offensive for ad space by at least one ad agency and the Chicago Transit Authority. But for every feminist spoilsport who finds Max’s facts vile, there’s a fan willing to defend the jokes as just plain hilarious.

I have one big problem with the “but it’s just funny!” defense. If an appreciation for Max’s “facts” requires only a sense of humor, and not latent misogyny, racism, or homophobia, why are his fans willing to listen to the exact same joke over and over and over again? It’s the same fucking joke.

Today, I clicked refresh on Tucker Max’s Web several dozen times in an effort to distill Max’s comedy down to seven easy-to-learn formulas. Now, you too can become a brilliant college humorist with a true ear for real comedy! Just insert deaf-girl-joke here, aspiring Maxes!:

1. The “Disability / Body Type” joke (by far the most common).

* Formula: [ comment on a woman’s disability / height / size] + [sexual pun / assault inference / expression of disgust (explicit)] x [expression of disgust (implied)].

Variation: “Blind”

#7 Blind girls never see you coming.

#13 Blind people hate electric cars.

#29 Bros Before Hos: Unless she’s blind.

Variation: “Deaf”

#6 Deaf girls never hear you coming.

#15 Deaf people hate the Verizon guy.

#25 Ever heard a deaf girl come? Neither has she.

Variation: “Midget”

# 1 Midgets have shallow vaginas.

#11 Midget jokes are beneath us.

#30 Bros Before Hos: Unless she’s a midget.

Variation: “Fat”

#3 Fat girls are not real people.

#19 The best thing about fat girls is heart disease.


2. The “Challenging Feminist Definitions” joke:

* Formula: [feminist trope] + [misogyny] + [denial].

#8 It’s not misogyny if you hate EVERYONE.

#22 Sexism isn’t the same as misogyny, you stupid bitch.

#27 Bitches are cunts.


3. The “Mexican” joke.

* Formula: [“Mexicans”] + [are / are not] + [something in Spanish].

#2 Drunk Mexicans are not your “amigos.”


4. “Women are Sluts (Also, Homeless People)” jokes.

* Formula: [ women / homeless people] + [are] + [sluts].

#10 There’s at least one slut in every bachelorette party.

#16 Every woman has her price.

#12 Strippers will not tolerate disrespect (HAHA, just kidding!)

#21 Whores fuck for money, sluts fuck for free.

#23 Girls Night Out = Bathroom BJ.

#20 Bums will fuck anything.


5. The “Gay” joke:

* Formula: [Thing] + [is] + [gay]

#24 Weddings are gay.

6. The “Violence Against Women” joke:

* Formula: [Universally recognized bad thing] + [surprise reversal] x [“edge”] x [“shock value”] = [Family Guy]

#4 Scott Peterson killed his pregnant wife. But not in a funny way.


7. The “Science” Joke

* Formula: [dismissal] + [thing girls like] + [hopefully conscious reversal of underlying scientific fact] = [actually kinda funny!]

#9 If it has sugar in it, it’s not a real shot.