The fight for ideological dominance of D.C.’s college sex column “movement” rages on. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of borrowed class rings and shoulder-draped letter jackets? This week: A two-timing columnist receives a smackdown; college kids tell you not to have casual sex; the “MRS degree” makes a comeback.
GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY:
Sex Tips: No new sex columns have been printed over at the Hatchet since female columnist Layla confessed she was fucking her best friend and male columnist Mr. Darcy outed his little virgin/whore complex. There has, however, been a bit of community push-back to Darcy’s double-timing the “nice girl” and the “freaky girl” while he waited for the “nice freaky girl” of his dreams to show up on his doorstep. “Bravo to this studly, virile man, who has so many girls drooling after him,” wrote Kristen McCarthy, a senior. “There is nothing we females like more than a complete tool who jerks us around, jumping from one girl to the next, and then decides to ‘have [his] cake and eat it too.’ . . . . The worst part? The author’s audacity to call himself Mr. Darcy. I can assure you that Miss Austen would never have stood for that behavior in a Darcy.”
Life Lesson: Choose your pseudonym wisely. Good luck: Buster Darkhole is already taken.
Progressive Meter: Calling a tool a tool is a treasured feminist pastime, and reclaiming Austen was a necessary move. But no woman can speak for all females: Some girls like jumping around, too. 7
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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:
Sex Tips: The latest gem mined from the AU Eagle‘s Amber Sparkles, Buster Darkhole, and Maxwell Hillcrest reveals an ideological rift between the trio of sex columnists. Each columnist took turns answering the question, “How long to wait to have sex?” Hillcrest took the philosophical route: “But by asking, you are halfway on the road to your answer,” he writes. Darkhole is short on specifics: “I would say try not to have it too soon.” And Sparkles sidelines ’em all with her requisite conservative bent. “If you like someone enough to be interested in dating her or him or already are dating them, having sex could be a good experience. . . . As long as you are having sex because you like the person and would be interested in building your relationship, there isn’t a time that is too early or too late. But if your reasons are otherwise, then maybe you should think again.”
Life lesson: Don’t hit it unless you plan on hitting it for the rest of the semester.
Progressive Meter: Hillcrest hits the nail on the head when he tells students the only way to figure out if they’re ready to do it is to “talk to your partner.” Sparkles’ advice to only sex someone you’re “interested in dating,” not so much. Why not try having sex with someone you’re interested in having sex with? 5
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GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY
Sex Tips: Columnist Colleen Leahey‘s latest informs students about why people you are hooking up with lie to you. The column, typically, includes some strange ideas about men (from Mars) and women (Venus). Among them:
- “Men and women have forever had difficulties communicating with one another.”
- “Guys seem to be puzzled by the complex and utterly confusing mind games of women; females can’t seem to cope with the simplistic, one-track male thought-process.”
- “Guys are notoriously stereotyped by society as players. After several beers, they’re only after ‘one thing.'”
- “Not every college female is interested in graduating with her M.R.S. degree; some only want to have fun.”
The column also includes one extremely strange imagined scenario about what hooking up in college is like: “Perhaps their beer goggles were a bit too tight that night. Seeing as you two never made specific rules concerning exclusivity, the hot bro or chick smiling across the bar may seem extraordinarily appealing under the glow of Thirds’ neon totem pole. However, the morning light reveals a pudgy, acne-covered mistake with really bad breath. How mortifying!”
Life lesson: The “M.R.S. degree” reference was enough to tip us off that we’re dealing with an old, old soul here. The scare quotes around “one thing” and the exclamation point following “mortifying” seal the deal. Grandmother? Is that you in there?
Progressive Meter: Well, at least not “every” woman only went to college to get married. Zero.
Photo by riptheskull