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Every day until Halloween, I’m offering up the worst “sexy” Halloween costumes on shelves this October. Up next, per reader request: an elaborate sexual assault joke!
THE “SEXY BREATHALIZER” COSTUME:
This little polyester-foam number, which retails for $49.99, invites party guests to see if their blood alcohol content registers as “Boring,” “Life of the Party,” or “Sotally Tober”: All you have to do is blow into the phallic tube positioned in front of some douchebag’s crotch. Basically, somebody manufactured a human-sized foam box complete with full-color meter, graph, oversize arrow, and foam erection so that some guy can put it on and say, “Hey, baby! You appear drunk! Why don’t you suck my cock to make sure?”
Interestingly, the product page suggests that buyers “Invite your date to dress as an alcoholic beverage for a fun couple’s costume!” Because it’s not a fun Halloween party until a Sexy Breathalizer Machine pressures a Sexy Margarita to awkwardly assume a kneeling position and fellate it in your living room, right?
Buycostumes.com commenter Becky74 certainly thinks so. “I bought this costume for my husband, seeing as he never knows what to be. I am thinking he will be the hit of the party!! This costume is hilarious, especially seeing as we live in Wisconsin!! I think everyone at the party will get a kick out of it! We are keeping it TOP secret so no one knows what he is going to be and the suspense seems to be killing everyone, so they know it is going to be good!! Maybe he will win first prize this year!!”
Commenter CPickle, on the other hand, raised a structural concern with the product. “I got this costume for the annual costume party and it was perfect,” CPickle wrote. “The only thing that could be changed is the ‘blow tube’—-it took longer to get it to stand up than to get the wrinkles out of the rest of the costume.”
Not only is the costume outfitted with a foam penis—-it’s outfitted with a foam penis that you have to carefully massage in to place in order to ensure that it is erect.
If you’re not prepared to shell out 50 bucks for a breathalizer machine that can’t even get it up, don’t worry. Any guy who would actually wear this costume doesn’t need to pay to look like he preys on drunk women. Just check out the model: he’s already got the turtleneck.