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Eighteen-year-old Seth Rudnitsky, a freshman student at the University of Maryland, has been charged with first-degree burglary after allegedly entering a G.W. residence hall and attempting to sexually assault several sleeping women. That’s according to the charging documents in the case, which allege that Rudnitsky initiated “unwanted physical contact” with the women, and entered one room with the “intent to commit a criminal act.” The G.W. Hatchet reports that one of the women has secured a stay-away order against Rudnitsky.

Rudintsky’s attorney, Mark Schamel, has got another theory: He was just being silly!

Schamel “declined to comment on the specific allegations from the female students who said Rudnitsky tried to initiate unwanted sexual conduct.” But Schamel did comment on the featherbrained frivolity of the whole affair:

‘This is not a sexual assault case. You have a really good kid who has never been in trouble his entire life,” Schamel said. “It’s your typical freshman ‘I went out and had too much to drink and was being silly’ kind of case.”

Come on, you guys: It’s college! Surely you must remember college, a time when it was perfectly typical to go out, get hammered, have your friend sign you into his dorm, troll the building for sleeping women, and then, according to a police report, twice attempt to stick your hands down some shorts. These were just typical freshman college shenanigans, not unlike sampling marijuana or poisoning a rival college’s fountain with soap bubbles!

For the women who were assaulted, the “typical freshman experience” is a bit different: being awoken by unwanted groping from a strange man. But listen, ladies: That’s fine if that’s your college experience, as long as you don’t make a big fucking deal about it. “This frankly shouldn’t even be a criminal case,” Schamel told the Hatchet. “I think it’s being entirely blown out of proportion.”

Photo byarvindgrover