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Pin Up Girl Clothing, a leading advocate of Sexy Halloween, offers up this year’s must-have slutty accessory: The “Sexy Halloween Costume Hat.” What makes a hat sexy? Does a Sexy Hat reveal intimate portions of the wearer’s scalp? Does it function as a substitute for pants? And are we sure it’s not just the eye patch? According to Pin Up Girl’s gallery, a hat is only as sexy as the “fuck me” facial expression you’re making beneath it.

The “Brown Buccaneer Hat,” $12, is but a pirate-themed frame for your best blow-up-doll gaze:

The gold trim on this “Unisex Black Pirate Hat” isn’t enough to achieve gender-neutral sexiness. Better slacken your jaw and grit your teeth at the same time (at least, that’s how I think she achieved this. I can’t do it).

Alternately, tip your head up saucily, thereby saving this “Sexy Pirate Hat With Gold Lace Ribbon and Feather” from becoming another “ridiculous and asexual head-covering featuring bows”:

There! She’s doing the slack-jawed teeth-gritting thing again! And she’s wearing a hat!