If the Christian Side-Hug has taught us anything, it’s that Christians and non-Christians alike can be united by the power of song. Sure, we may not be able to agree on what satire means, or the reality of the side-hug, or whether or not the side-hug rap is the Modest Proposal of the new millenium. But we can all agree that watching abstinence-only music videos targeted at the youth of America provides an innocent thrill for all. So let’s side-hug it out with five more abstinence-y videos. Whet your non-sexual appetite, after the jump.
1. Abstinence-y Track: “Virginity (Vees Up)” by Cindy St.Vil
Plot: Cindy wants to wait until marriage, so she’s ecstatic when her guy gets down on one knee—-she gets to get it on soon! But not too soon, gentlemen—-Cindy breaks it off with her beau when he tries to pressure her into some post-engagement action.
No sex before marriage, because Jesus said it
There ain’t nothing to debate if Jesus said it.
If she walk out on a date, don’t even sweat it.
If he don’t wanna wait, then leave, forget it.
2. Abstinence-y Track “That Kind of Girl” and “I Don’t Want It” by DC Talk.
Plot: In this epic live medley, the men of DC Talk present themselves as perfectly chaste—-their dream woman is “virtuous in every way”—-but make sure to drop hints that they’re still hot-blooded males. “I don’t want your sex,” they declare. “For now.” (Okay, there’s not much of a plot here. But what they lack in storyline they make up for in those outfits).
I don’t want it
Yo I don’t want it
Yo I don’t want your sex (for now)
I don’t want it
I don’t want it want it
I don’t want it ’til we take the vow
3. Abstinence-y Track: “My Body” by Trin-I-Tee 5:7
Plot: Guy in car tries to get fresh. Cheek-kissing? Leg touching? Close dancing? You have got to be kidding her! Trin-I-Tee smacks him down, lyrically.
Who do you think I am? I don’t play these games
Not goin’ out like that, let me explain
Tryin’ to save myself, don’t pressure me
My spirit leads me to celibacy
4. Abstinence-y Track: “Ain’t No Safe Way” by Michael Sweet
Plot: A straight-laced Christian boy is nearly led to sin by a hot chick at a drive-in theater. Luckily, the very sight of a condom sends him into a frenzy of disgust, accompanied by Michael Sweet’s devilishly chaste guitar licks.
Ain’t no safe way anymore
You got people with one, two, three and four
Abstinence rules, playin’ is for fools
The one who abstains is the one who’s cool
There’s no safe way
Abstinence-y Track: “Virginity” by TG4
Plot: The girls of TG4 are in a sex education class. They end up teaching their classmates a thing or two about not getting educated in that subject.
Can’t imagine what it feels like
My friends say it’s alright
But then they go and do it all night
But I prefer the married life.
Know any other epic abstinence tracks? File your own additions to the chastity playlist in the comments.
Photo by George Eastman House