The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of passive femininity, drunk-flirting double standards, and Jell-O Shot lesbianism?

This week: How to pick up guys sober; when gays and lesbians offend gays and lesbians; what to do when you pick up a guy drunk.

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UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND:

Sex Tips: Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling tells UMD girls how to find dates beyond the old standby of “flirting with random guys at the bars.” Her venue of choice? “Class. Next time, just sit next to that stud and smoothly pass him an empty tic-tac-toe board—-guaranteed to get you at least a smile and a game, possibly even a good lay.”

Life Lesson: “Just look approachable and wear stretchy pants.”

Progressive Meter: I support any relationship advice column targeted at women that does not rely upon sitting around and waiting for the hottest dude ever to reveal his improbable love for you. Man, Twilight has really lowered my standards. 6.

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AMERICAN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: Since our AU Threesome of sex columnists has retired for the semester, this one’s a rebuttal. Sarah Brown, Senior, has this to say about the Threesome’s treatment of lesbian sex: “I can look past the inaccurate comparison of lesbian sex to Jell-O shots, the offensive implication that lesbians are all biologically the same and even the language that suggests that ‘encountering a lesbian’ is similar to running into a strange creature in the wild,” she writes. “What I cannot seem to move past, though, is the Editor’s Note at the bottom of the column, which reads: ‘In an attempt to prevent misinterpretation, we would like to acknowledge our sex columnists are of varying sexual orientations and genders.’”

Life Lesson: Newsflash: Gays and lesbians can offend gays and lesbians. Writes Brown: “While I’m glad that The Eagle has taken a non-heteronormative approach to the sex column, what this note implies is that The Eagle staff does not regard members of the LGBT community to be capable of saying things that offend and hurt persons in their community.”

Progressive Meter: Good points, all. But really, how is one expected to get through a semester of sex column writing without including at least one offensive analogy to Jell-O shots? 9.

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GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY:

Sex Tips: This time around, Hoya sex columnist Colleen Leahey invites us to learn from experience. In “How To Avoid The Pitfalls Of Drunken Flirting,” Leahey tells the story of “Ian” and “Emma,” two Georgetown co-eds who only talk when they’re wasted. As the semester goes on, the drunken flirting gets heated: “I just think you’re so beautiful,” drunk Ian tells her one night. What exactly do you want from this whole thing? drunk Emma texted back. Weeks later, the hangover sets in: Drunk Ian’s girlfriend wants to fight drunk Emma!

Life Lesson: When a dude with a girlfriend goes astray, there is always a woman to blame. “Emma walked home with tear-filled eyes. She went to bed upset, feeling like some kind of worthless tease. The next day, however, her sadness turned to anger. Since when had this whole situation even become a big deal? Nothing had happened. And how was it solely her fault? Albeit, she had crossed a line, actually recognizing their flirtation, whereas Ian had merely straddled it. Yet, once she realized how wrong her actions had been, she immediately backed off. So, why did she deserve such scrutiny an entire month later?”

Progressive Meter: Double standards are a bitch. 7.

Photo via the Library of Congress