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Every day, Cosmopolitan rolls out a new position in its “Cosmo Kama Sutra” line of sex tips. Since there are only so many sexual positions available to Cosmo‘s intended audience—-the vanilla heterosexual woman—-the magazine is sometimes forced to veer into the absurd. Cosmo‘s most time-tested solution? Just add water! Because any series of sex tips that includes the phrase “With your back to the ocean, lie facedown at the shoreline. Place a beach ball . . . ” has got to be both pleasurable and practical, no?

5. Randy Raft:

How to Do It: “Climb onto a well-inflated raft in shallow water, and lie on your stomach with your butt and legs dangling over the edge. Your man should grab on to your thighs, as if he were pushing a wheelbarrow, then enter you. He can then pull you incredibly close for the deepest possible penetration.”

The Spontaneity of Raft Sex: According to Cosmo, the appeal of “Randy Raft” lies in its element of surprise: “since you can’t see him, you aren’t able to anticipate his next move, which is surprisingly thrilling.” OK, but can’t I face away from my partner when I’m not on a well-inflated raft in the shallow pool I was forced to purchase in order to revive my sex life? And what could his “next move” possibly be? Sexy dunking?

4. The Submarine.

How to Do It: “Have your man sit on the second or third stair in the shallow end of the pool (or on the hot-tub bench). Straddle his lap and take him inside you. Next, lift your legs so your feet are propped up on the top of the stairs. Have him grab on to your thighs as you lean back. Hold on to his calves to help you stay elevated as he pulls you back and forth.”

Watered Down: Cosmo writes: “The feeling of weightlessness combined with the sensual deprivation of not being able to hear since your ears are submerged will allow you to surrender to the bliss of your partner’s member throbbing inside you.” Whoever wrote this copy was clearly trying to compensate for the utterly unsexy phrase “not being able to hear since your ears are submerged” by putting as many Cosmo-approved sexual signifiers into the end of that sentence: “surrender to the bliss of your partner’s member throbbing inside you”? There’s no way waterlogged pool sex is that good.

3. The Sexy Sprinkler

How to Do It: “Stand beside a soft-spraying sprinkler and bend over so the water hits your genitals. If you can’t reach your hands to the ground, place them on your thighs or calves for support. Your partner should stand behind you and put his hands around your waist as he enters you.

Enticing Extra: If you thought the “Sexy Sprinkler” was just sex plus water again, you’d be wrong. It is sex plus water plus grass smell! According to Cosmo: “the aroma of wet grass boosts your sense of smell, making this a supersensory experience.” I know that olfactory cues play a big part in attraction, but I’m pretty sure the aroma of wet grass will only boost your ability to smell . . . wet grass.

2. The Canoe Canoodle:

How to Do It: “In a canoe or rowboat, paddle a short distance from shore. Once you’re at your desired locale, stretch out on your side, resting your head on your bottom arm for cushioning. (Bend your knees if necessary.) Have your partner spoon you from behind, keeping his top arm wrapped around your waist as he enters you and begins to thrust gently.”

Complicating Factors: Let’s see: it’s sex, except you’re lying naked on the hard, metallic floor of a boat. Cosmo rates the difficulty of this position as only a three out of five, as if most sexual encounters require you and your partner to secure a boat and a body of water as a pretext to getting it on. Also, last time I checked, canoes looked like this . . .

. . . meaning your canoe sex will situate your bodies between a hard metal boat and a series of hard metal poles. Rrrrow!

1.Surf’s Up

How to Do It: “Lie facedown on a surfboard with your arms and legs outstretched on either side. With your guy standing at your side in waist-deep water, have him wrap his leg around the board to mount it like a horse and enter you from behind. Once he and the board are steady, he should stretch out as well.”

But Why? According to Cosmo, “Trying not to tip over the surfboard adds an extra element of fun to this carnal challenge. And, having the hard substance beneath you—and his hard body on top of you—feels exquisitely sexy.” “Surf’s Up” is near impossible to pull off. If you and your partner can manage to get off on a surfboard, you’re still going to find yourself face-down on a “hard substance” as your man attempts to wrangle his wet body onto yours long enough to stick it in you.

Canoe photo via Sassy Frassy Lassie, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0