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Last week, “new feminist” icon Dr. Laura Schlessinger introduced us to her militant guide to gifting over the holiday season. In Dr. Laura’s world, women who work for a living are encouraged to spend their free time exhausting themselves by knitting 7-foot table runners for their friends on short notice, and then spending “four hours crocheting around the entire runner twice and adding a fringe to the ends” so that the table blanket you just whipped up not be perceived as overly “plain.”

Now you, too, can spend the holiday season sleep-deprived, self-righteous, and schooled in the art of sprucing up table blankets! (And if you don’t, you do not truly care about your friends and family). Even gigantic celebrity Dr. Laura can find the time to not sleep and knit instead: “Especially someone like me, everyone says, ‘Ohhhh, you’re such a big star, how can you have any time to be doing things?’ I live to do this sort of stuff.”