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Confession time, readers: My brain has been cloudy for the better part of this week, thanks to a mystery illness I dredged up at the Washington City Paper Tweet-up. Dang you, Tweet-up, for making me ill, and forcing me to invoke “Tweet-up” as if it were a real word!

But today, my brain officially exploded, courtesy of a piece entitled “The Campus Rape Myth.” It’s not just a clever title!

Yesterday, notveryraven, of Twitter, alerted me to this year-old investigative piece by Heather Mac Donald into why there is no rape problem on college campuses. You may remember Mac Donald from books like The Immigration Solution (points for ominousness!) and Are Cops Racist? How the War Against the Police Harms Black Americans (Alternate title: Cops Aren’t Racist! Problem Solved).

Mac Donald’s argument about why rape actually never happens to college students goes a little something like this:

(a) Once upon a time, in the 1980s, feminists were losing their edge. So they tried to convince everyone in the world that 25 percent of college women are raped by commissioning all these “studies”:

During the 1980s, feminist researchers committed to the rape-culture theory had discovered that asking women directly if they had been raped yielded disappointing results—very few women said that they had been. So Ms. commissioned University of Arizona public health professor Mary Koss to develop a different way of measuring the prevalence of rape. Rather than asking female students about rape per se, Koss asked them if they had experienced actions that she then classified as rape. Koss’s method produced the 25 percent rate, which Ms. then published.Koss’s study had serious flaws. Her survey instrument was highly ambiguous, as University of California at Berkeley social-welfare professor Neil Gilbert has pointed out. But the most powerful refutation of Koss’s research came from her own subjects: 73 percent of the women whom she characterized as rape victims said that they hadn’t been raped. Further—though it is inconceivable that a raped woman would voluntarily have sex again with the fiend who attacked her—42 percent of Koss’s supposed victims had intercourse again with their alleged assailants.

(b) Because most women don’t feel comfortable calling their experiences “rape,” or reporting them as “rape,” or labeling men who have sex with them without their consent as “rapists,” or preventing those “rapists” from “raping” them repeatedly, feminists are obligated to just shut up and ignore “rape” as well. IT IS IN THEIR FEMINIST CODE: “In short, believing in the campus rape epidemic depends on ignoring women’s own interpretations of their experiences—supposedly the most grievous sin in the feminist political code.”

(c) CAMPUS RAPE PROBLEM SOLVED! We found the person at fault for all campus “rapes”: It is the victim, always, for pretending to be a “victim” of a “crime” that all the other girls are more comfortable just calling “sex.” MOVE ALONG, NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

(d) But wait! Feminists are ruining everything, still! Did you know that the feminists actually created the “rapes” they claim to fight against, what with their insistence that grown women should be allowed to have “consensual sex” when they feel like it? It’s true: “The colleges meekly complied and opened a Pandora’s box of boorish, sluttish behavior that gets cruder each year. Do the boys, riding the testosterone wave, act thuggishly toward the girls? You bet! Do the girls try to match their insensitivity? Indisputably.” Silly feminists: Slutty girls can’t say no to sex, ever. And have you ever tried to close a Pandora’s box of sluttishness? It is just impossible to fit all the oversize stripper heels back in that little box, I am telling you.

(e) But these feminists do help one group of people: Women who haven’t been “raped.” According to Mac Donald, those few college women who are actually willing to call their rapists “rapist” are . . . liars, probably! Here’s a handy tip to help deny that college rape happens: whenever a college woman says she was raped, just assume that she was “filmed giving oral sex to seven men [and] cried rape when her boyfriend found out,” and wash your hands of the matter.

(f) THEREFORE, it is proven that abstinence is the only way to protect college girls from all the rapes that don’t actually happen on college campuses:

Some student rebels are going one step further: organizing in favor of sexual restraint. Such newly created campus groups as the Love and Fidelity Network and the True Love Revolution advocate an alternative to the rampant regret sex of the hookup scene: wait until marriage. Their message would do more to return a modicum of manners to campus male—and female—behavior than endless harangues about the rape culture ever could.

(g) KABLOOOOOOEY! My brain, it is exploded. But . . . could this have been Heather Mac Donald’s plan all along? To craft an argument against rape that is so mind-numbingly stupid that it would EXPLODE THE BRAINS of every feminist who read it? Well played, Mac Donald. Well played.

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