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Tonight, the District will finally embark on the long-awaited experiment in forgoing politeness for realness. If these early previews of the Real World D.C. are any indication, the seven housemates will commence “getting real” by arguing over whether God exists in the Dupont Circle Bucca di Beppo. In other words, Real World looks to be getting a little bit too real this time around. But these seven real people will, at least, furiously attempt to have real sex with one another. And damned if I’m not going to record each of their pathetic stabs at doing so.

I suspect that MTV fucked up in a major way by airing Jersey Shore, not because the premise is offensive and the footage socially damaging, but because it’s raised the bar for reality show sex and violence to unparalleled heights. Tomorrow, the network’s follow-up to its Guido-rific reality hit will transport viewers into the squarest TV territory possible: following around a bunch of aspiring political aides as they struggle at their internships and get drunk at McFaddens. I have lived this television show! It was called George Washington University. It was just OK.

But there is hope! Earlier this year, Ruth Samuelson reported that the Real World D.C. house does, indeed, have the requisite hot tub, but there were several months there where we weren’t even sure if we were going to get that much sexualization out of this show. Now we know:

People will make fun of Andrew for being a virgin! (above)

Andrew will outrageously pretend that he is not sexually attracted to Emily in order to convince viewers that he is, in fact, actually attracted to women!

Girls will speculate as to which boys are gay! And they will guess Andrew.

Andrew will say this: “I wanted to improve my chances of being laid by forcing Emily to be my roommate, I feel like I kinda put that on her. Gahh, I’m such a dirty guy, I hate myself. But I probably will have sex with her. When Ty is done with her.”

People will hang out near a shower!

Will Andrew ever get laid? How many times will Ty air-dry his muscular body for all the housemates to see? Who will hook up at McFadden’s? Check back in with the Real World D.C. hook-up round-up, every Thursday.