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Return to Sender: A press release entitled “Valentine’s/Chinese New Year: more special than ususual!,” which proposes a feature story on how you can apply ancient Chinese secrets to your Valentine’s Day celebration. Featuring the romantic insights of “expert source on color” Jami Lin, who has “studied the meaning of colors and their influence on the human body and emotions for more than 20 years.”

The Pitch: Perfect for the lover eager to base their life decisions upon the alleged spiritual synergy of two arbitrary holidays falling on the same date. “For the third time since 1900, Valentine’s Day will fall on the same day as the Chinese New Year,” the press release reads. “Even if people aren’t Chinese, they can still use its traditions to attract new people, express their love to family and friends or even deepen their love with spouses or partners.”

Exhibit A: Finally, the actual cultural celebration of Chinese New Year gains modern relevance—-by falling on the same day as a holiday invented by the American greeting card industry. “It gives people an opportunity to magnify new beginnings with love relationships,” Lin is quoted as saying. “They can search for new love or re-ignite an existing romance with Chinese New Year secrets.”

Exhibit B: About those ancient Chinese secrets: “For example, are you planning a romantic evening on Valentine’s Day? Wear red evening clothes (even PJs count) to help set the mood. Consider sprinkling red rose petals on your pillows.”

Exhibit C: If all else fails, try burning. “Maybe you’re searching for new love. Make a list of all the physical and personality traits you want in a partner. Then on Chinese New Year, burn the list in your fireplace or a ceremonial bowl, so that heaven can hear them and respond, according to Chinese culture.

I Rest My Case: “The holidays won’t coincide again until after 2030, which is too long to wait for true love.”

Photo via George Eastman House, Flickr Commons