Wondering why anyone would buy the “Billary Clinton Kitchen Tool Combo Set,” which includes a corkscrew in the likeness of Bill Clinton and a nutcracker made in the image of Hillary Clinton? Same!
“Novelty kitchen tool set includes Hillary Clinton nutcracker and Bill Clinton corkscrew,” the product description on Overstock.com reads. “Corkscrew and nutcracker make a great gag gift . . . Political novelty kitchen tools are functional and humorous.” Functional? Humorous? Go on.
It’s pretty obvious (though still crass) what the basis of the Bill-Clinton-corkscrew joke is. The corkscrew is placed where Clinton’s penis would be, and it’s public record that Clinton utilized his penis on a variety of jobs while in office. Plus—-corkscrew. Not enough for you? Don’t worry—-the folks at Overstock.com aren’t ones to sit on this pun goldmine. They take the Clinton penis joke and run with it. From the product description:
- Novelty corkscrew lets you pop your cork with Bill Clinton’s spirited talent
- Strategically placed corkscrew adds a twist to post-Presidency employment
- Wine and bar tool makes a great gag gift for anyone, no matter where they land on the political spectrum
- Durable 9.5-inch novelty corkscrew is made of heavy plastic and metal
- You’ll never have more fun opening a bottle of wine
- Could create pinot envy
- Gives new meaning to the term wine lover
- The new action hero for wine drinkers
- Adds amusement to any dinner party
- Looks cute standing next to your Hillary Nutcracker
It makes sense that Overstock.com would slide in some cork, tool and even pinot jokes alongside actual product information like “durable 9.5-inch novelty corkscrew is made of heavy plastic and metal.” After all, potential buyers need to know not only how their novelty corkscrew works, but also why it’s funny. The whole point of the Bill Clinton Corkscrew is that you get the joke. (Which is: penis!).
But how about the Hillary Nutcracker? Where are the funnies behind that one? Here’s the product description:
- Laughs will abound with this novelty Hillary Clinton nutcracker
- The Hillary Clinton nutcracker will crack smiles and nuts with stainless steel teeth secured in the upper legs
- Collectible that will be remembered for years to come
- Hillary Clinton Nutcracker stands upright and has internal stainless steel components and spring
- Not recommended for the dishwasher or children under 12 years of age.
- Weight: approx. 9 oz.
That’s the best you can do? Let’s see: The Hillary Clinton Nutcracker will make you laugh, smile, and remember, and you can put it in the dishwasher. Why no ball-buster jokes?
Maybe it’s because actually explaining why it’s appropriate to feature Secretary of State Hillary Clinton as a “nutcracker” would force Overstock.com to realize that it’s not really appropriate to feature the Secretary of State as a woman who is totally oppressing the male genitalia. Here’s how the more explicit product information might read:
- Laughs will abound with this novelty Hillary Clinton nutcracker that’s sure to delight every patriotic nut-lover who is still upset that Hillary Clinton refused to spend eight years baking America cookies in the White House kitchen.
- The Hillary Clinton nutcracker will crack smiles and nuts with stainless steel teeth secured in the upper legs of a woman who speaks before she’s spoken to.
- Collectible that will be remembered for years to come as a reminder of what happens to women who try to secure jobs previously reserved for men.
- Hillary Clinton Nutcracker stands upright, because that bitch just refuses to sit down and shut up!
- Not recommended for the dishwasher, which will ensure that your wife will be forced to spend even more time doing the dishes! Make sure to slap her on the ass for hand-washing your hilarious Hillary Clinton Nutcracker.
But my mom (who sent me the Overstock link) has got another theory: maybe it’s “because Hillary is so obviously a ball breaker they felt they didn’t need to explain.”