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This week, it was revealed that accused Mary Landrieu phone-tapping conspirator Stan Dai, 24, was once a promising aspiring playwright. In 2004, while a student at the George Washington University, Dai penned a dramatic piece entitled “The Penis Monologues” for campus conservative newspaper The Patriot.

In the great anti-feminist tradition of college-aged male Republicans, there have been many “The Penis Monologues.” Over the years, dozens of these men have been brave enough to bare the innermost thoughts concerning their genitalia. Mainly: “Wahhh! Why is ‘The Vagina Monologues’ only about vaginas! Pay attention to my penis!”

Having trouble paying suitable tribute to every 20-something Republican dude’s genitals? A quick primer on the many “The Penis Monologues,” after the jump:

The Penis Monologues,” 1990’s, by Penn State student Jason Cassidy.

Penis Insight: According to student newspaper the Daily Collegian, “‘One monologue is about a guy—-after having sex he tries to pee but he can’t control his penis so he’s peeing all over this girl’s bathroom and eventually pees on the girl,’ [explained one] performer . . . At the end of the show, each performer will make one last appearance clad in just his underwear. He will then tell the audience his favorite nickname he has heard for a penis and make different orgasm sounds.”

Anti-Feminist Ire: “A guy wrote a script that’s kind of mocking Vagina Monologues—-well it’s more so a response to The Vagina Monologues,” a performer told the Collegian. “He put together a series of monologues performed by all men. It’s all about sex, masturbation, peeing and all of the crude testosterone things guys talk about.”

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The Penis Monologues,” 2002, by Oregon State University student David Rapoza.

Penis Insight: Due to a birth defect (?), David Rapoza’s penis is incapable of gaining your consent (or something?):

So I thought about my penis. I’m positive he’d sport a black leather trench coat and titanium sunglasses. He’s got a terrible case of Keannu-envy. He’d also drive a Beamer while head-banging to the harmony of ‘NSYNC. What does he say? Nine times out of 10, he begs for more attention. Yeah, he’s demanding like that. The tenth time out of 10, he asks you to repeat yourself. He lost his ears during the third trimester and sometimes has trouble reading your lips.

Anti-Feminist Ire: Um: “Bobbitt has become a trendsetter. A firestorm of insane copycats rages after the spark of her famous gender-war crime. According to Time Magazine, over a hundred cases have been documented in Thailand alone. The penis is a symbol of power. Cut the symbol off, and what do men have left to rule you with? Their brains? Ha! This must be the rationale supporting penis decapitation.”

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The Penis Monologues,” 2004, by George Washington University student Stan Dai.

Penis Insight: “MY PENIS IS ANGRY!!!!!!! You want to know what happened to my penis? Joan happened to my penis! There I was, sleeping peacefully when Joan stormed in and dragged me out for ‘an educational program.’ I thought was going to see Mr. Rogers! But nooooooo! It turned out to be the ‘Whine-gina Monologues!'”

Anti-Feminist Ire: From the piece’s Editor’s Note: “What are these vaginas angry about? Tampons, thong underwear, and gynecologists. Shouldn’t feminists be more concerned with encouraging women to go to the gynecologist to prevent cervical, uterine, and breast cancer (which, of course, are the fault of evil repressive men)? Why must the only reference to the sanctity of motherhood be given to a lesbian couple? Can’t men be more than just sperm donors and rapists in a feminist’s world? Justice Blackmun doesn’t even get a shout-out!”

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The Penis Monologues,” 2005, by Roger Williams University College Republicans.

Penis Insight: In order to combat a presentation of the Vagina Monologues on campus, Roger Williams College Republicans constructed a gigantic penis, dubbed “Testaclese.” From the National Review:

”Testaclese’ tipped the scales when he approached the university Provost, Edward J. Kavanagh, outside the student union. Apparently taking him/it for a giant mushroom, Provost Kavanagh cheerfully greeted him. But when Testaclese presented him with an honorary award as a campus ‘Penis Warrior,’ the stunned official realized that it was no mushroom. After this incident, which was recorded on videotape, the promoters of P-Day were ordered to cease circulating their flyers and to keep Testaclese off campus grounds. Mindful of how school officers had never once protested any of the antics of Vagina warriors, the P-warriors did not comply. The Testaclese costume was then confiscated and formal charges followed.

Anti-Feminist Ire: According to the National Review, “Unhappily, P-Day may be the only effective means of countering V-Day with all its c-fests, graphic lollipops, intrusive questionnaires, outsized effigies of vaginas and its thematic anti-male play.”

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The Penis Monologues,” 2006, by University of Rhode Island student Chris Ferdinandi [Update: not a Republican!]

Penis Insight: Chris Ferdinandi discovers the shocking secret of the “Penis Monologues”—-that there’s nothing progressive about a bunch of guys talking about their dicks:

So how about it, guys? Feel liberated? Yeah, me neither. I could go on and on with more examples: stories about men circle-jerking as they learn how to enjoy their penises together; a lament about all the injustices committed against penises—-‘turn and cough,’ ungroomed women, kung-fu grip; me shouting the word dick louder and louder to free the word from its negative social connotations.

Anti-Feminist Ire: Surely, the feminists are to blame for this. “But honestly, none of that does anything to express the true value of manhood and masculinity. If anything, it reduces men to their genitals, and it’s quite obvious that The Monologues does the same thing to women. Ironically, that’s something they accuse men of doing to them on a fairly regular basis.”

Photo via Sundve, Creative Commons Attribution License 2.0