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The battle for ideological dominance in our nation’s capital’s collegiate sex columns continues. Are our local campus columnists on the forefront of radical sex writing, or are they bringing back the good old days of instructing women to pretend to be grateful for the attention of men?

This week: How to erase your relationship doubts by conforming to stilted gender roles; Buster Darkhole is MIA; college students are getting relationship inspiration from The First Wives Club soundtrack. This time with feeling:

UNIVERSITY OF MARYLAND: Girls must be girls.

Sex Tips: In a post-Valentines entry, UMD Diamondback advice columnist Esti Frischling administers a remedy to a female student who is concerned that her new beau is getting a bit too sweet on her (his super-serious Valentine’s Day plans “freaked [her] out.” Frischling’s advice: In order to foster romance, ignore your obvious incompatibility, shelve your feelings, and stick to reinforcing traditional gender roles. “To be honest, I very rarely hear of girls complaining about getting too much attention,” Frischling writes. “What is appealing about all these niceties and cutenesses, though, is it means someone cares about you. . . .  Perhaps it’s best not to say anything about how you don’t approve of his Valentine’s Day efforts. Instead, slow things down in other ways that won’t reveal to him how picky and alternative you are. If Hallmark has taught us anything, it’s that no one wants those things in a girl.”

Life Lesson: A man doesn’t like a complicated woman. Who cares if you don’t even like him, either? “However you choose to handle it, don’t make him feel bad or insecure about trying to do nice things for you,” Frischling writes. “It’s completely understandable that at this time it was too much for you, but unless you want to scare him away, just let it go.”

Progressive Meter
: And there’s nothing worse than scaring away a guy who freaks you out, amirite ladies? 🙁

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY: Sex columnists are MIA.

Sex Tips: None. The AU Eagle’s trio of pseudonymned sex writers—-Buster Darkhole, Maxwell Hillcrest, and Amber Sparkles haven’t churned out a column since “Stereotypes a Problem for Lesbian Community,” a piece which caused some problems for the lesbian community on campus, actually. (A sampling: “Many try and divulge the deep mystery that is lesbian sex. However, this is often met with much difficulty. Lesbians, being quite secretive, rarely give out the methods they use for sex, but we have done the research for you and found out some interesting facts.”)

Life Lesson: Sometimes better to burn out than to fade away. The “AU Threesome” started off their sex-writing careers with a vaguely non-consensual bang back in September, and they’ve kept up the controversy since—-until they fell off the Eagle‘s map three-and-a-half months ago.

Progressive Meter: This one gets a big frowny face, because I miss these kids. 🙁

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY: Bette Midler is on the soundtrack to our lives.

Sex Tips: In Hoya “Rounding the Bases” columnist Colleen Leahey‘s latest, undergrads are advised to avoid festering in “pseudo-relationships” that lie in the gray area between hooking up and exchanging Varsity letterman jackets. Leahey sketches the scene: “After many weeks (sometimes even months) of being together, you and your partner have yet to go on a real date. Many nights, your special friend has a bit too much Burnett’s and passes out, leaving your texts annoyingly unanswered. But when you’re together, everything is perfect. Suddenly, the good outweighs the bad. This, my friends, is another—-and the most common for college students—-example of when you should leave. Your optimism, hoping to make something good out of a total train wreck, is causing you to trap yourself in an unhealthy relationship. Stay too long and you will end up feeling insecure and unhappy.”

Life Lesson: If you suspect that Leahey is writing from a bit of an old-school perspective—-beware the Dangers Of Hook-Up culture!—- here’s some more evidence: “Eventually, you will realize how much happier you are. As great as consistency is, enjoying you’re freedom is so much more fulfilling. And if you’re ever feeling really down, take a tip from my friends and I: Blast The First Wives Club version of ‘You Don’t Own Me.’ Trust me, you’ll be basking in the golden rays of your newfound singledom before you know it.”

Progressive Meter: The First Wives Club is a film about three sassy, middle-aged divorcees who exact revenge on their ex-husbands after they are all discarded for younger women. Is it just me, or is it kind of freaky that a sex column for young people is gleaning relationship inspiration from a movie about cliched, messy divorces caused by hopelessly cliched young women? 😐