Earlier this week, I asked you to give me your worst Relationship-Ending Line—-that phrase uttered by your now-ex that foretold the final chapter of your relationship. As it turns out, ya’ll have dated people who have said some absurd shit, from the older professor who asked, “do you have anyone to read you love poetry?” to the boyfriend who admitted that he “was emotionally incapable of having a serious relationship with anyone who did not have a ‘go go dancer’s body.'”
The good news is that Moregasm: Babeland’s Guide to Mindblowing Sex, which you stand to win for your trouble, contains plenty of information concerning masturbatory techniques. Your top 10 Relationship-Ending Lines, after the jump:
10. Yes, but . . . Via evie:
When having a vaguely intellectual discussion about gender inequalities in politics, relationships etc:
“Yes, but do we really need equality?”
9. The couple met on JDate. Via Diana:
1. We hung out for about 45 minutes at an outside cafe. He pretty much challenged me on everything I said like disagreeing that Austin is a cool city (that’s where I live), and that there wasn’t anything to do in this town except artsy things (oh the horror).
2. He had invited his roommate to join us, but before the roomy showed it got a little chilly out. My date noticed some girls wearing sweaters and jackets and asked if i thought it was that cold outside. i said yeah its chilly and made some reference to smuggling raisins. He had never heard that before so i explained what it was. He thought that was disgusting. and went on and on about how gross that was. The roommate shows and the first words out of my date’s mouth are, “She’s kind of a bitch for the first half hour then she gets nice.” Classy.
3. Then he mentioned the smuggling raisins thing to his friend and asked if my nipples looked shrivled like raisins when they got cold.
4. When I excused myself to go to the bathroom to make a desperate call to one of my friends, the guy grabs my arm and says, “I just sent you a text, I want you to know its a joke. Ok? Its a joke. Ok.” I got the text while sitting on the toilet. It said, “You’re a moron.”
5. And lastly, they asked me what my favorite movie was, I said Donnie Darko. He asked me if I see Rabbits and do they tell me to kill people. I asked what their favorite movies are and in stereo, they said, “Top Gun.” I’m not joking.
8. It’s just science. From NotSoPoetic, via Twitter:
7. I prefer men who arrive wrapped in a mystery. Via ACG:
I gave Match.com a swing for a few months, and I wouldn’t give those months back for anything, because they were the source of more unintentional comedy than I could have hoped for. The best was the guy now referred to as The Riddler. Admittedly, I was already in the process of unloading him (because he was just kind of a negligent douche, and I had other things to do with my time), and he said:
“I’m aloof and enigmatic, and that bothers you.”
6. Cute boys who are insecure in their masculinity say the darndest things. Another one from Another Jenny:
After a pleasant enough hook-up encounter with a pretty cute boy, he propped himself up on his elbow, looked me in the eye and said, “You’re not so tough now, are you?”
5. Again . . . it’s science. Via Erin:
I was having a conversation with my boyfriend of 3 years. He tried to tell me that the amount of gay men in the world is on the rise because of women taking oral contraceptives. He believed women were peeing out extra estrogen which made it into the water supply and made men gay. He made it worse by telling me he believed this to be true because his father, “a Mensa member,” told him.
4. Racism + clear ignorance of chosen field = dealbreakerladies. Via Kimberly:
I was crushing on boy from another school last year during the Swine Flu scare. We were discussing current events when he uttered this line:
“I don’t think the swine flu is a big deal since it can only affect Mexicans. All the cases in the United States have been of people from Mexico.”
To say nothing of the fact that I’m Hispanic and have spent summers with family in Mexico, he was a biology major.
3. Lessons in how to make a bad blow job even worse, via rorawks:
In the midst of a really terrible blow-job, he pulls off just to say:
“I am going to break your heart.”
2. This is SO HIGH SCHOOL. Via memories…:
High School: Hot boy from nearby famed all-boys school asks me to a school dance. I am thrilled! Formal attire or semi-formal, I ask? Formal is the reply.
His best friend and he rent a limo, pick up their respective dates—both of us excited and looking smashing in our formal gowns. Enter dance: not another gown in the room. The other girl and I spent half of the night in the ladies room commiserating and avoiding our dates.
Same Night, on the way home: My date’s best friend has managed to convince his date to a make-out session in the limo. I refused. The Stones come on the radio, and my date starts passive-aggressively singing along:
“I can’t get no . . . Satisfaction.”
Worst date ever.
1. Somebody’s a little sensitive about his fantasy fantasy. Via Lily:
(I am a huge nerd. This was in high school.)
I said, “We’re differently nerdy, you know. You really prefer fantasy and I’m more into sci fi.” He said, “That’s not true; I love Star Wars.” I said, “Well Star Wars is really just fantasy that happens to be set in space. It’s not about man’s relationship to technology, or a comment on modern society, or any of those sci fi themes. It’s a space opera. It’s the Hero Cycle, that Joseph Campbell thing. Very much a fantasy, especially in the context of George Lucas’s influences.”
And then he YELLED at me, YELLED, that I had no idea what I was talking about and obviously didn’t even understand what sci fi WAS and that he couldn’t BELIEVE I would say that and HAVE YOU EVER EVEN READ HEINLEIN!!!!!
And then I realized that if he cared more passionately about, like, R2-D2 than my feelings, in combination with the poor personal hygiene, it really wasn’t worth it.
Congratulations, Lily! I’ll send you a copy of the book today.