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Based on my interest in feminine hygiene, YouTube suggested that I watch this vintage Secret commercial, starring Denise Richards, and with a special appearance by Jared Leto. The ad also features one of the most confusing series of floral metaphors that I’ve ever encountered. And I’ve encountered some floral metaphors!

Here’s the transcript:

They say you’re gonna bloom. Heh, what are you, plant life? Please. You’ve got all these decisions! You’ve got a life. Hey: You can make it come up roses. It helps to use this. You see, Secret is pH balanced for your body’s chemistry, pH balanced for your decisions. Your life. Helps keep you dry. Confident. So when you’re faced with one of these [a Jared Leto], you won’t pull one of these [wilting flowers]. Secret! Strong enough for him, but pH balanced just for you.

The lesson here, girls, is that floral metaphors for your life are totally pathetic, because, decisions. However, floral metaphors may be helpful in describing the potential romantic benefits of applying deodorant, and when hooking up with Jared Leto is on the line, do you really want to be arguing semantics? In conclusion: Secret.