Get our free newsletter

This week in college sex columns: The University of Mary Washington tells students to fuck finals, and just fuck; Georgetown University explains WTF a “Zombie Fling” is, and why it should be avoided; Jaclyn Friedman administers a beatdown to misogynist college columnists.

UNIVERSITY OF MARY WASHINGTON tells you to fuckfinals:

Sex Tip: In this edition of The Bullet sex column Sexclamations, Erin Hill advises students to take sexual study breaksto relieve stress: “Although it will consume a bit of your study time, making love to your partner and enjoying his or her presence will boost your mood and help you get a better grip on stress and other activities related to it. You may not find yourself ‘in the mood,’ but spending time with your partner and getting a few sessions in the sack can ultimately be extremely rewarding and beneficial to you and your partner’s well being.”

Life Lesson: You don’t have to take your clothes off: “simply holding hands can alleviate stress,” Hill writes. Students without hands to hold can also “look at some LOLcats and have a few giggles,” or masturbate.

Progressive Meter: Blowing off studying to have sex? Including options for students who don’t want to have sex, and those who want to have sex with themselves? A+.

—-

GEORGETOWN UNIVERSITY wants your relationships to feel like “an icy cool glass of lemonade on a hot July day”:

Sex Tip: Hoya relationship columnist Colleen Leahey apprises her classmates of all manner of “fling” they can engage in this summer. According to Leahey, all summer flings are good ideas. Except for the “Zombie Fling,” which must be avoided:

This relationship resembles a pesky bee you continuously chase around the room trying to swat, but, at the last minute, feel too bad to kill. It’s that hook-up you absolutely hate to enjoy and desperately want out, but you can’t seem to fully climb down the escape ladder. Out of all the flings, this is the only one I would suggest staying away from, for the complex feelings it typically yields are far from refreshing or exhilarating. If you find yourself with a zombie, get the strength to end things and use the summer as your rebound. There is no better time for a little recuperation than the summer months.”

Life Lesson: “Like an icy cool glass of lemonade on a hot July day, the summer fling refreshes the exhausted college student’s mental and physical health.”

Progressive Meter: Leahey approves of all summer relationship lengths, of from one week to three months. I’ll take it.

—-

SEX COLUMNIST EMERITUS and feminist superstar Jaclyn Friedman ain’t in college anymore. But campus columnists of the misogynist variety would do well to heed her advice:

Sex Tip: Your faux-edgy pro-rape columns are not, in fact, edgy. “Congratulations. You have written a column encouraging dudes to rape drunk girls, and it’s now earning you 15 seconds of internet fame. Well played. I hope you’re making the most of your moment,” Friedman writes. Unfortunately, your misogyny is boring: “don’t kid yourself into thinking you’re groundbreaking or even original. People have been telling women who ‘misbehave’ that they deserve/secretly want ‘whatever happens to them’ since the dawn of time.”

Life Lesson: Do not write faux-edgy pro-rape columns: “please go directly to hell,” Friedman concludes. “I have just as much right as any man does to go out and have a few drinks without having a violent felony perpetrated against me.”

Progressive Meter: A zillion.

Photo via the Library of Virginia.