Feeling emasculated by the American feminist movement? Fortunately, the road to “male liberation and empowerment” is just a quick flight to Moscow away, where American men are finally freed to meet Russian babes off the Internet, fetishize their cultural stereotypes of these women, and pay exorbitant fees to spend time with them.
Your guide on this tour of “that delightfully mystifying creature known as the Russian female” is Russia Today scribe Robert Bridge, who left the feminizing influence of Pittsburgh twelve years ago to pen faux-anthropological investigations of fucking foreign chicks, finally earn respect for thinking with his “clumsy tool,” and sit for this portrait (above).
Bridge’s top ten tips for fetishizing Russian women while worshiping your own klutzy penis:
1. Russian women have suffered too long under the weight of not being objectified by American men.
After all, on the western side of the Iron Curtain, the iconic Soviet female—-with a sickle in one strong hand and a balalaika in the other—-was believed to be more industrious than beautiful, more blustering than blush. Indeed, the practical value of a Russian woman ranked somewhere between a good tractor and a surplus wheat harvest: extremely useful in the right situations (snowstorm, famine, revolution), but certainly not the most likely candidate to grace the cover of a glossy fashion magazine, for example, or win Playboy playmate of the year.
2. You may think that all Russian women are trying to kill you, but at least they will not try to pay for anything.
You are sitting in a trendy restaurant in the booming heart of the Russian capital trying to forget about your jetlag and lost luggage when you are suddenly slapped with the bracing realization that you aren’t in Kansas anymore. Across the table from you is seated an attractive Russian woman, your Internet flame, a deadly femme fatale for all you know. But definitely a Russian woman. . . . Anyways, things get off to a bizarre start at the restaurant. Before you even set foot into the place, ‘Natasha’ lets you open the door for her; in fact, she coolly expects it, and doesn’t even say ‘Spasibo’ as she sweeps past with a violent toss of her blonde locks. Somehow, this gives you a strange sense of male liberation and empowerment, which might just be the world’s biggest oxymoron.
3. Feminism has robbed men of the sense of purpose provided by owning women.
The svelte Slav at your side expects you to help her with her fur coat, position the chair just right under her awaiting derriere, order the food, and yes, even pay the exorbitant bill without even so much as feigning to open her Gucci pocketbook. Wow, you think, there might just be a purpose on this nutty earth for a six-foot-two stumbling male after all. What the heck is going on here? It’s as if that Boeing 747 that hauled you across the Atlantic Ocean was actually a time machine, transporting you back to the 19th century.
Suddenly the reason hits you: feminism, or rather the glaring absence of it.
4. In Russia, your zany inclination toward “accidentally” assaulting and/or harassing women will not be prosecuted.
In the United States, every action on the part of the klutzy man is liable to be misinterpreted, overanalyzed and even persecuted in a court of law. Even one of our otherwise great presidents, William Jefferson Clinton, was laid low by this ridiculous national pastime. In America, as one wit observed, “when a man talks dirty to woman, it’s sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it’s $2.95 per minute.” Even opening the door and letting her pass first may be the ticket to a ruined night. Eventually, some feminists began to realize that it’s no fun to spend your life walking on glass.
5. The legacy of goat-milking has prepared Russian women for the task of aspiring to have sex with you.
Russia, which was geographically isolated from many of the West’s most famous fits and starts (the Enlightenment, Capitalism and Industrialization, to name a few), developed more or less at its own leisurely pace until at least the beginning of the twentieth century. Thus, painful questions concerning the rightful place of western women in the early industrial system (exposed for its cruelty by progressive writers of the time, like Upton Sinclair, who wrote The Jungle in 1914) were being debated in the West while, half way around the world, Russian women were peacefully picking raspberries and milking goats in the idyllic countryside.
6. On the other hand, in some ways, Communist Russia treated women equally to men. This was bad for men.
Communism, despite some nutty megalomaniacs, made no distinction between the sexes when it came to receiving an education. And upon graduation, Soviet men and women (with some glaring exceptions in favor of the males, easily discernible on May Day on the top of Lenin’s mausoleum in Red Square, and even more visibly in the kitchen) enjoyed equal opportunities. A heavily subsidized educational system, complete with daycare centers for infants and children, gave both the mother and the father the freedom to advance themselves. In some strange ways, communism was a boon for the females and a bust for the men.
7. Russian women do not appear on Oprah.
As it is, Russian women, who deftly use every inch of their femininity—-high heels and mini skirts included—-to their general advantage, have no desire to ‘lower themselves’ in an effort to obtain equality with men. Moreover, you actually get the sense that Russian women truly cherish the fact that they were born females, and not the victim type that cries daily on Oprah Winfrey.
8. Russion women are forever approaching the splash pool in the Crocodile Mile of oppression.
Moreover, Russian females seem to feel completely at ease with themselves, and more importantly, their femininity. The female body is not concealed like a horrible scar, but rather decorated, accentuated and put on parade for every eye to behold. Nobody will point and stare at a woman in Russia for exposing a bit too much leg. In Russia, if you’ve got it, there is absolutely no problem to flaunt it. An object of male desire? Undoubtedly. But somehow Russian women manage to navigate the slippery road of being attractive without sliding into the wall of oppression. They are at the controls of their womanhood and the miniskirt and high heels only adds to the sense of their feminine powers that no man has been able to fully explain. Oppressed? Don’t bet on it.
9. Russian women will starve themselves for you, restoring your sense of purpose.
The Russian woman sitting across the table from you understands very well the price of a dinner, at least from her end of the bargain. According to female insiders, she will spend at least three hours in front of the mirror applying her makeup, seven hours shopping for shoes, three days finding a dress and five days with little or no food to fit into it. Add to all that the price of a pedicure, manicure and trip to the hairdressers. In other words, don’t be surprised if your date arrives looking like a million bucks.
10. Russian standards of footwear will render your date incapable of traversing home without your assistance, providing you an opportunity to attempt to have sex with her.
So let’s imagine that the date was a stunning success and it’s time to say goodnight to Natasha. First, although the metro (subway) is a very convenient form of public transportation in the Russian capital, as well as in other Russian cities, it is better to blow your last rubles on a taxi ride. Her feet, already bleeding inside of tortuous high heels, will appreciate the thought.
Naturally, throughout the course of the ride, you may be asking yourself: ‘Oh boy, what happens next?’