People who actually identify their sexual orientation as “ex-gay” are a rare breed, but Parents and Friends of Ex-Gays (PFOX) nevertheless manages to ferret out former homosexuals everywhere. Take the organization’s most recent mission: For Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan to out herself as used-to-be gay. Here’s the pitch, from self-identified ex-gay Greg Quinlan:

According to Quinlan’s analysis, it doesn’t make sense that Kagan is gay:

President Obama’s nominee for Supreme Court Justice, Elena Kagan, has steadfastly refused to divulge her sexual orientation, despite a CBS News blog item claiming that Kagan is known in Harvard circles as a lesbian.  In response, the White House blasted CBS News for its “lies” and CBS pulled the item off its website.

But if Kagan is a lesbian, why would the White House insist that she is not when Obama made gay rights part of his platform for change?  In issuing this month’s gay pride presidential proclamation, Obama stated he is “proud to be the first President to appoint openly LGBT candidates to Senate-confirmed positions in the first 100 days of an Administration.”

So Kagan and her alleged lesbianism should not be an issue for the White House or the Democrats, who control the Senate vote for Kagan’s judicial nomination.

And it doesn’t make sense that she’s not gay:

Some of Kagan’s friends have told Politico that she is frustrated by the persistence of the gay rumors, but “worried that denying them could imply some anti-gay prejudice.” But this makes no sense either-isn’t the whole point of the gay rights movement to allow people to be free to declare who they really are, without stigma? If the only way for a middle-aged woman to declare that she is straight is to marry a man, wouldn’t that be a step backward, and not forward, in liberal gender politics?

THEREFORE:

There is, however, another possibility. Could it be that Kagan is ex-gay?  That would explain the White House insistence on Kagan’s heterosexuality and Kagan’s silence about her past sexual preference.

That’s right, Obama has just nominated the woman who will be our nation’s first closeted ex-gay Supreme Court justice. No other explanation makes sense. Now, we must work to make Kagan our first openly ex-gay Supreme Court justice. On that day, our country will finally grant heterosexuals the same respect it gives gay people:

As an ex-gay myself, I sympathize with Kagan and the Obama administration.  I have had to face taunts, threats, and phone calls to my employer demanding that I be fired.  There is no hate like that directed against the ex-gay community. And the President knows it.

. . . So Ms. Kagan, do not be afraid to come out of the closet.  Regardless of our political differences, ex-gays like me, and maybe you, should be able to live openly just like when we were homosexuals.