Want to help poor people while secretly scoping the charity “scene” for prime hubby material? Ask Miss A contributor Laura Swanstrom Reece has penned a guide to D.C.’s “charity circuit” for women interested in reaping some personal benefits from their selflessness. Work the circuit, ladies—-feeding the homeless has never been so sexy! Or strange. A quick primer on a socialite’s most social of charity options:

Interested in putting your sex appeal at work to cure dementia in the elderly? Suit up for Blondes vs. Brunettes, a “powder-puff football game” (ew) that pits the only two flavors of women against each other, for Alzheimer’s. Cute boys of both hair colors serve as coaches. Bonus: The organization will also help you “stay fit.”

Looking for a more exclusive charitable organization to add to your MRS resume? Try The Madison. This local civic organization, which only accepts 20-somethings, caps membership at 100 local ladies and requires members to “possess a college degree” and “have never been married.” No leftovers!

If you have been divorced, resign yourself to joining Single Volunteers of DC, which requires only that members be “single . . . not married, and currently not in a committed relationship.” Volunteers must also be ready to mingle. Members, paradoxically, must always be prepared to find romance with fellow volunteers—-“If you are unable to enter into a dating relationship at this time, you should not volunteer with us”—-at which point, presumably, they must cease their charity work with the organization. No kids allowed, but the recently separated are free to join—-as long as they are prepared “to date others” and are “honest about your status” with dates. You know: “Cathy, before we deliver these hot meals to the elderly, I thought you should know that I’m still legally married.”

Really want to help feed the homeless? For a charitable organization devoid of juicy deets about its bumpin’ social scene, try Martha’s Table, where volunteers are always needed to help “at-risk children, youth, families and individuals in the DC area” by facilitating with “educational programs, food, clothing and enrichment opportunities.” Huh.