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In the two years I’ve written The Sexist, I’ve offended Catholics, sorority sisters, former homosexuals, Tucker Max fans, breast massagers, a child’s sense of innocence, the Huffington Post, heterosexual men, librarians, and the producer of a novelty product designed to keep a man’s balls dry when receiving oral sex. And all I got was this CockBib.
OK. Two CockBibs:
The CockBibs—-for the uninitiated, the product description clarifies that “BASICALLY… Its A Bib With A D*ck Hole In It!”—-arrived unexpectedly by post last Friday, after more than a year of silence from the mysterious inventor of the novelty sexual accessory.
When we last left our inventor, he was defending the “pure comedy” of a baby-sized bib designed to inform your sexual partners that your penis “may cause” them “trauma”—-or maybe just “kill” their “pussy.” He was also hard at work planning an upcoming line of CockBibs aimed at women (“They will have saying like ‘You call that a D*ck’…LOL,” he told me at the time). Then, the inventor ceased returning e-mails—-and the CockBib website expired.
Fourteen months later: Not one, but two CockBibs, wrapped in plastic and shipped in a manila envelope with a return address label for a cell phone parts company arrive at my desk. The proportions are generous: I can slide the designated penis hole on these things clear past my elbow. Touché, inventor. But what does it all mean? “Prepare for the driest blow job of your life”? Or perhaps: “Time to throw in the CockBib.”
I’m afraid it’s the latter.
And so, this will be my final post on The Sexist. And I’d like to thank every person who read this blog and commented on it and shared their stories with me and argued with me and fact-checked me and professionally gchatted with me and tolerated my CockBib jokes here over the past two years. Next month, I’ll begin covering sex and gender for the yet-to-launch local website TBD.com. Until then, you can find me on my personal e-mail, or, as always, on Twitter.
As for The Sexist: After a time, the comments sections on these posts will begin to shut their lights and close their doors. You don’t have to go home, but you might want to mosey on over to the rest of the content the City Paper has to offer. And stay tuned: In the future, the blog may yet rise again, not unlike the CockBib, with another sex-and-gender columnist at the helm.
Photographs graciously taken by Darrow Montgomery.