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This microwave oven sucks. Hell, the brand name even sucks—Ewave.

Here’s what this Ewave product starting doing not so long ago. When foodstuffs or liquids were placed in the Ewave oven for heating, this Ewave oven would just start sparking like mad. No, no one placed any aluminum foil in there, or a bunch of coins, or a pair of scissors, or a piece of the chassis off a Ford F-150. No metal—-just regular ol’ microwave fare was going in and out of this Ewave product, and sparks were flying.

This 4th-of-July-in-a-microwave event was taking place at the top of the Ewave microwave oven’s food-placement bay. And let me tell you, there’s nothing quite as scary as a microwave oven sparking, especially an Ewave microwave oven sparking. It makes you think that you’re going to suffer radiation poisoning, that your food is even more of a cancer delivery system than it already is, that the whole house is going to blow!

Well, I called Ewave customer service, and the guy said the oven is too old to be covered under warranty. So that left an appliance repair shop. Didn’t even bother with that route because appliance repair is one of those soul-sucking bizes in which they charge you, like, the price of the oven just to make a house call.

So I bought a new one, a non-Ewaver.