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Baltimore native Michael Phelps is going to be Subway‘s next pitchman. It’s not clear exactly what the celebrated swimmer will do for the sandwich chain, though the press release announcing the deal says, helpfully, that “Mr. Phelps will be representing the brand across all marketing channels…”

But that’s not the cringe-worthy quote from the release. Here’s the cringe-worthy quote from the release:

“SUBWAY(R) restaurants have always given me the options that I am looking for – whether that’s healthy sandwiches before a big meet or the tasty meatball sub that I treat myself with,” stated Michael Phelps. “I was ready to take my SUBWAY(R) fan-dom to the next level – I really think of SUBWAY(R) as a champion food option.”

It was awfully kind of Phelps to speak in registered trademarks. But I wonder what his real role will be for Subway? Could the chain be thinking strategically? I mean, given Phelps’ mastodon-level calorie intake, could Subway be looking to retire Jared and his tired weight-loss tale in favor of the fattie-in-waiting Phelps, who will no doubt balloon up like Val Kilmer once he gets out of the pool for the final time?

I’m thinking Jared should start shopping his resume.

Image by Flickr user midorisyu.