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There’s a long cinematic history of equating food with sex, as my buddy Robb Walsh detailed earlier this year with his “Top Ten Food & Sex Scenes in the Movies,” which, ahem, climaxes with the scene between Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger in 9 1/2 Weeks. But I have to say that the combination is much less sexy when it happens right in front of your face.
Last weekend, the wife and I were sitting at the bar at the new Matchbox where a middle-aged couple was eating and reading out loud to each other from Savage Love. It was obviously their weekly ritual, and for that, I salute them. But we were just starting to place our orders when I heard the guy reading this letter to his companion:
I am a straight, 18-year-old girl and a college freshman. A couple of months ago, I lost my virginity to my first serious boyfriend, and since then we’ve been having sex several times a day. Apparently we have been a bit too enthusiastic, because my boyfriend received a note from his downstairs neighbors. In crass and abusive language, they told us to keep it down. I was mortified. Post-note, I’ve been tense and nervous during sex, more focused on listening for the neighbors than enjoying the act. This is upsetting me terribly, and I don’t know how to make it better. Even if we are both silent, the bed inevitably squeaks and thumps. There is really nowhere else on campus for us to go (I have three roommates who don’t get out much.) What should I do? I am so depressed by this situation.
—Loud And Clear
Go buy the original Broadway cast recording of Avenue Q. The next time you have sex, blast “You Can Be as Loud as the Hell You Want (When You’re Makin’ Love)” at top volume. When the neighbors complain about the music, tell them that they can listen to show tunes or put up with the noise you guys make when you have sex—their pick. —Dan Savage
The companion, upon hearing Dan’s advice said, “There’s no rule that says you have to have sex in the bedroom. You can have sex anywhere in the house.”
Yes, that’s true enough. It’s also true that I really don’t want to hear about other people’s sex life while preparing to nosh on sea scallops. No sir.