Tim Carman, Young & Hungry’s esteemed, goateed, in-house gustatory visionary, will, for inscrutable and classified reasons, be unavailable this week. Inexplicably, the Washington City Paper has hired me, Justin Moyer – a man who consumes no meat, no dairy products, no alcohol, and whose palate was destroyed by smoking unfiltered Lucky Strikes from 1994-1998 – to “ghost” the column in M. Carman’s absence. I thought to object to this assignment on moral and philosophical grounds, but found myself powerless to demur in the face of the offered compensation: the grand sum of $250, which, as everyone knows, equals exactly 12.5 big bets in a 10-20 Texas Hold ‘Em game.
To further illustrate my general unfittedness to write Young & Hungry, I will ground this week’s column around a feature called “One Man’s Bread” – a list of what I’ve eaten the previous day supplemented with humorous, colorful commentary. I hope that regular readers suspicious of my selection as Young & Hungry “temp” will review the curious array of nutritionally deficient, poorly prepared, and/or disgusting food items I consume daily to better understand my relationship with food and to what extent I can be trusted as a sensory guide. As the Romans – who, as we all know, loved food enough to invent bingeing and purging – once said, “Caveat emptor” (buyer beware)!”
Sunday, May 31, 2009 11:00 a.m. Two swallows of Schweppes ginger ale. I don’t like to leave the house without wetting my whistle. Two swallows of ginger ale is usually sufficient. 12:00 p.m. 1/2 veggie burger plus 1/2 veggie wrap at “The Diner.” Normal omnivores might love 18th Street’s “The Diner,” but there are only two vegan offerings – a mushy, gross veggie burger and a bland, but slightly-less-gross veggie wrap. Ah, there’s nothing like an egg-and-pancake-free brunch to start the day! 2:00 p.m. Chuckles and green tea. Stranded at your unsupervised admin job at The Washington Post on a Sunday with only a vending machine for company? Why not enjoy some Chuckles and, if you need extra antioxidants, make yourself a cup of green tea? 5:04 p.m. Planters Peanut Bar. Another Post vending machine offering. Peanuts + corn syrup = sugary fun. 6:32 p.m. Pretzels by Snyder’s of Hanover. Yet another $1 treat courtesy our fair city’s paper of record. Hey – at least I didn’t choose the Mike & Ike’s. 9:15 p.m. Unusual home-cooked meal. If we’ve got artichokes, brussel sprouts, string beans, and cous-cous, let’s make a mush and see what happens.