CLERKS - FETCH ME DOUGHNUTS!

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SCALIA DEMANDS DOUGHNUTS

Let’s hear Sotomayor’s take on this one: the Examiner reports that Fairfax is suing Krispy Kreme. The doughnut maker’s Lorton, Va. plant stands accused of clogging public sewer systems with sheer deliciousness (a.k.a. yeast, grease, and everything that makes Paula Deen cuddly, roly poly, and fat-positive).

If Fairfax’s claim is upheld, American jurisprudence may be wading into a legal morass as viscous as the guts of a Boston Creme. A quick comparison of Krispy Kreme and Dunkin’ Donuts nutrition information shows that each company’s oversugared confections have comparable fat content. If we presume that both doughnut shops use similar ingredients, can every municipality from Walpole, Ma. to Warwick, R.I. sue D & D for crimes against sewer-manity? (That’s funny because, as every liberal arts student knows, New England is known for its numerous D & D’s. Get it? Whatever.) Undoubtedly, the high Court’s Roberts-Scalia-Thomas-Alito contingent would take a dim view of the Commonwealth’s claim against any private business. Then again, one hopes these four men are eating as many Krispy Kremes as physically possible so that they face their own cardiac comeuppances sooner rather than later. (Just kidding! Roberts et. al. I love you and your continued defense of the environment, human rights at Guantanamo, and a woman’s right to choose!)